My First Mother's Day Reflection- May, 2013

     I remember when I was about nine years old. I was riding on the bus with a friend. We were talking about what it would be like to be all grown up and in college. I remember in my nine-year old brain how the future felt like lifetimes away-like it would never actually arrive-like some unreachable point in time that only existed in a dream world or an imaginary thought. That was about 20 years ago. College came and went. Fast forward through jobs, getting married, buying a house...
    Now I find myself sitting in a nursery room rocking my babies to sleep. How did this day come so fast? I think about Eleanor and Benjamin and how much they've already changed in just two months. I've tried to mentally hold on to every little moment, their tiny fingers, their precious noises, the way they hold their hands in fists while eating, their bright eyes staring into mine. I've already forgotten what they were like during their first days in the NICU at just over four pounds. I sit and reminisce about each big moment that has passed and plan how I will savor the next. I wonder if my mother looked at me and imagined my future and what it would be like. Did she think about me being all grown up, holding my own baby? When I look at Eleanor and Benjamin, I am saddened to consider that this tiny, innocent baby will eventually become a great big person with a baby of their own. I know it will happen so much faster than I expect it to. What goes through my mom's head as she stands there watching her baby all grown up holding a baby? Craziness.
      And so it is my first Mother's Day...already. When I was little I would sometimes sit on the counter in my parents' kitchen while my mom was cooking. I remember telling her how I would never leave home and how I didn't want to get married or ever move away. And my mom tried to explain, make me understand that I would someday grow up and leave her. I didn't believe her one bit. She also told me that I would never know the incredible love she had for me, not until I had my own child, she said. Again, I didn't agree.
   But now I know of this love. And in some ways my mother was completely right. But in other ways, I think she may have underestimated the love of a child...underestimated my love for her as a child. Now I can compare the two-the love I had for my mom when I was a little and the love I now have for my own children as a mother. I know that at the time I had that conversation with my mom, she was my whole world, my everything. I could never love anyone or anything more than I loved her. And in my little kid mind, she couldn't possibly love me any more than I loved her. And that is exactly how I feel about Benjamin and Eleanor. They are my whole world, my everything, and there is nothing and no one that I love more. And I also have an even deeper love for my mother. Not only because I now understand some of the sacrifices she made for me, but because I truly do understand how much she loves me. But I still would argue that the innocent, unconditional, young love of a child is just as great towards her mom as the profound, sacrificial love of a mother is for her children.
   There is no way I would be where I am now without my mom. I have leaned on her so incredibly much the past year and I am forever indebted to her. She continues to show strength, humility, sacrifice, and love. She has rescued me in times of need...whether I was too round and pregnant to clean my house, too tired to get up and feed babies, or too overwhelmed with going to work after maternity leave. For the past several months she has been not only my mother, but my nanny, my housekeeper, my cook, and my counselor. She is an amazing woman who I can never repay for all she has done for me. And now that I think of it, she is right. She has shown me much more love than I have ever shown her. I can only hope that I will be half the mother she is.