A lot has happened in my life. So much in fact, that I haven't been able to write. And when I find a minute or two to sit down and type, the sleep deprivation prevents me from creating anything worth reading. Over the past few months, I have dreamed up all sorts of wonderful blog posts...sharing my birth story, my first mother's day, a humorous parody about breast pumping, the in's and out's of being a mom of twins. But time is passing so quickly and I can't keep up! There have been days when I have been lucky to get a shower in, much less blog about how excited I am to be clean! My babies are already three months old! A lot has happened, but I will start now, with where I am at today. Chances are, I'll be in a much different place by tomorrow.
Today I spent some time thinking about my experience with pregnancy and having two babies. Lately, my mind has been wandering around in much of the past. During those eight-ish months, each day was grueling, painful, and slow. Now that it's over and the babies are here, it seems as if it was a blink of an eye. Maybe it's because I know that it might have been my one and only pregnancy. Maybe it's because it ended a month earlier than everyone else's. Maybe it's because I don't remember how truly awful it was. Maybe it's because I miss all the attention. Maybe I am trying to hold on to an important time in my life that I worry I'll forget. Maybe this is normal. Or maybe I am crazy. I said it over and over and over again: "I will not miss this!" But here I am. And I kinda---do I dare say it?---I kinda miss being pregnant.
"What??!! That's crazy!"you shout. "Didn't you create this blog in part to document it and in fact, COMPLAIN about your horrible, awful, miserable, poor-me of a pregnancy?" I know. I know. I don't quite get it either.
There is so much that happened in such a short amount of time. Maybe my brain is still trying to process it all.
I have been watching fellow preggo friends and asking them all about their experiences. I have enjoyed posts from people on Facebook making comments about their mid-night cravings or baby brains. And I have read blogs posts about the NICU, twins and multiples, and birth stories. And here is what I have learned.
I am extremely blessed.
Well, yeah. Duh.
I know--I have two beautiful babies and everything ended up working out just fine. I am now out, on the other side. And I have a new perspective.
Before I was on THIS side, I was preoccupied with certain things. I wrote before about how I struggled with my comparison to others. I heard women complaining about week 39 and their tiny one-baby baby bump and their very UN-swollen, skinny feet. I saw pictures of them holding their full-term baby who slept and nursed well...a baby they got to put on their chest the moment they were born...a baby they got to take home the next day. I heard of beautiful, natural births that went according to plan.
Fast forward through pre-emclampsia, an early delivery via c-section, three weeks stay in the NICU, and another three months at home. Here we are. My babies are happy and healthy...and oh yeah, so am I!
And though I am reminiscent of my pregnancy now, I do LOVE feeling normal again. It is wonderful to be able to move with ease, to bend over, to work out. I appreciate my body, not only for the work that it did bringing my son and daughter into this world, but for what it has always been able to do. I didn't realize how fit and in shape I was until I wasn't. I am slowly regaining my strength and building back muscle. My feet returned to normal, all the swelling is gone, and the weight is melting off. I feel great.
Okay, where am I going? I don't remember. It's 10:30 pm and I should be in bed. This is the reason I can't write a blog post. The babies have already been sleeping for three hours...I am wasting precious sleep time before they wake up again. Oh yeah, I remember.
I was saying how I have been thinking about my pregnancy and trying to remember every last bit of it, trying to hold on to all the good and the bad. Upon my reflections, I have started to realize how truly blessed I was and am.
I am currently finishing out the school year with my third graders. I used up most of my FMLA time on bed rest in February and had to go back for the month of May. Luckily my mom is here to watch the babies. Twice a day at work I go into a closet in the library, where I can hide away and hook up to my breast pump and do my motherly duties. Every time I go into that room, I must walk past the librarian.
Earlier this year she lost her grand babies: boy-girl twins like mine...boy-girl twins who she never got to meet. It pains me to walk up to her and ask her for the closet key so I can pump in privacy. I fear that I am a constant reminder of the twins her daughter never got to have.
Today I read a blog post about a woman who has a rare pregnancy condition and was hospitalized at 26 weeks. She is on real bed rest...the kind where you are confined to a bed and can't get up to do anything. She will spend the next two months in a hospital bed. And this is after having all kinds of trouble getting pregnant in the first place. I spent four days in the hospital and I was allowed to get up and go to the bathroom. And I hated it.
I met a lady at the multiples club who had major issues with diastis recti. It took her almost a year to feel back to normal after carrying two huge babies on her 5'3'' frame. Her babies were over 7 pounds! And she had a toddler to care for during her pregnancy.
I read online all kinds of stories about micro-preemies. These are babies who are born at or before 30 weeks. They are tiny and skinny and have all kinds of interventions and tubes and medicine. They live in the NICU for months and months. Their stories are amazing. My NICU experience doesn't compare at all. Many twins haven't made it as far as mine. Some don't make it at all and others don't come home for a long, long time.
My first few months as a mom have been up and down, both good and bad. Just when I think I have something down, when I am confident or feeling proud, that is when the Lord humbles me. I thought I was pretty bad-ass for a second, pretty hard core, especially after my hard pregnancy. But then I walked by my librarian. Or read a sad Facebook post. Or saw a picture of a tiny NICU baby.
That is not to discredit some things I went through that were hard. These last several months have tested my strength, my emotional capacity, and my patience. But I am out on the other side. I can't believe just this time last year I started reading and talking about babies and pregnancy. I can't believe that time has come and gone. And I can't believe I have these two healthy, adorable babies, and that they are mine. When it gets overwhelming and difficult, I am reminded of others who don't have it as easy as I do. I am reminded of how incredibly blessed I am. I am reminded of what God has allowed and ordained for my life and how completely undeserving I am of all of it.
Yes, I am out on the other side....And I like where I am.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
My First Mother's Day Reflection- May, 2013
I remember when I was about nine years old. I was riding on the bus with a friend. We were talking about what it would be like to be all grown up and in college. I remember in my nine-year old brain how the future felt like lifetimes away-like it would never actually arrive-like some unreachable point in time that only existed in a dream world or an imaginary thought. That was about 20 years ago. College came and went. Fast forward through jobs, getting married, buying a house...
Now I find myself sitting in a nursery room rocking my babies to sleep. How did this day come so fast? I think about Eleanor and Benjamin and how much they've already changed in just two months. I've tried to mentally hold on to every little moment, their tiny fingers, their precious noises, the way they hold their hands in fists while eating, their bright eyes staring into mine. I've already forgotten what they were like during their first days in the NICU at just over four pounds. I sit and reminisce about each big moment that has passed and plan how I will savor the next. I wonder if my mother looked at me and imagined my future and what it would be like. Did she think about me being all grown up, holding my own baby? When I look at Eleanor and Benjamin, I am saddened to consider that this tiny, innocent baby will eventually become a great big person with a baby of their own. I know it will happen so much faster than I expect it to. What goes through my mom's head as she stands there watching her baby all grown up holding a baby? Craziness.
And so it is my first Mother's Day...already. When I was little I would sometimes sit on the counter in my parents' kitchen while my mom was cooking. I remember telling her how I would never leave home and how I didn't want to get married or ever move away. And my mom tried to explain, make me understand that I would someday grow up and leave her. I didn't believe her one bit. She also told me that I would never know the incredible love she had for me, not until I had my own child, she said. Again, I didn't agree.
But now I know of this love. And in some ways my mother was completely right. But in other ways, I think she may have underestimated the love of a child...underestimated my love for her as a child. Now I can compare the two-the love I had for my mom when I was a little and the love I now have for my own children as a mother. I know that at the time I had that conversation with my mom, she was my whole world, my everything. I could never love anyone or anything more than I loved her. And in my little kid mind, she couldn't possibly love me any more than I loved her. And that is exactly how I feel about Benjamin and Eleanor. They are my whole world, my everything, and there is nothing and no one that I love more. And I also have an even deeper love for my mother. Not only because I now understand some of the sacrifices she made for me, but because I truly do understand how much she loves me. But I still would argue that the innocent, unconditional, young love of a child is just as great towards her mom as the profound, sacrificial love of a mother is for her children.
There is no way I would be where I am now without my mom. I have leaned on her so incredibly much the past year and I am forever indebted to her. She continues to show strength, humility, sacrifice, and love. She has rescued me in times of need...whether I was too round and pregnant to clean my house, too tired to get up and feed babies, or too overwhelmed with going to work after maternity leave. For the past several months she has been not only my mother, but my nanny, my housekeeper, my cook, and my counselor. She is an amazing woman who I can never repay for all she has done for me. And now that I think of it, she is right. She has shown me much more love than I have ever shown her. I can only hope that I will be half the mother she is.
Now I find myself sitting in a nursery room rocking my babies to sleep. How did this day come so fast? I think about Eleanor and Benjamin and how much they've already changed in just two months. I've tried to mentally hold on to every little moment, their tiny fingers, their precious noises, the way they hold their hands in fists while eating, their bright eyes staring into mine. I've already forgotten what they were like during their first days in the NICU at just over four pounds. I sit and reminisce about each big moment that has passed and plan how I will savor the next. I wonder if my mother looked at me and imagined my future and what it would be like. Did she think about me being all grown up, holding my own baby? When I look at Eleanor and Benjamin, I am saddened to consider that this tiny, innocent baby will eventually become a great big person with a baby of their own. I know it will happen so much faster than I expect it to. What goes through my mom's head as she stands there watching her baby all grown up holding a baby? Craziness.
And so it is my first Mother's Day...already. When I was little I would sometimes sit on the counter in my parents' kitchen while my mom was cooking. I remember telling her how I would never leave home and how I didn't want to get married or ever move away. And my mom tried to explain, make me understand that I would someday grow up and leave her. I didn't believe her one bit. She also told me that I would never know the incredible love she had for me, not until I had my own child, she said. Again, I didn't agree.
But now I know of this love. And in some ways my mother was completely right. But in other ways, I think she may have underestimated the love of a child...underestimated my love for her as a child. Now I can compare the two-the love I had for my mom when I was a little and the love I now have for my own children as a mother. I know that at the time I had that conversation with my mom, she was my whole world, my everything. I could never love anyone or anything more than I loved her. And in my little kid mind, she couldn't possibly love me any more than I loved her. And that is exactly how I feel about Benjamin and Eleanor. They are my whole world, my everything, and there is nothing and no one that I love more. And I also have an even deeper love for my mother. Not only because I now understand some of the sacrifices she made for me, but because I truly do understand how much she loves me. But I still would argue that the innocent, unconditional, young love of a child is just as great towards her mom as the profound, sacrificial love of a mother is for her children.
There is no way I would be where I am now without my mom. I have leaned on her so incredibly much the past year and I am forever indebted to her. She continues to show strength, humility, sacrifice, and love. She has rescued me in times of need...whether I was too round and pregnant to clean my house, too tired to get up and feed babies, or too overwhelmed with going to work after maternity leave. For the past several months she has been not only my mother, but my nanny, my housekeeper, my cook, and my counselor. She is an amazing woman who I can never repay for all she has done for me. And now that I think of it, she is right. She has shown me much more love than I have ever shown her. I can only hope that I will be half the mother she is.
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