A lot has happened in my life. So much in fact, that I haven't been able to write. And when I find a minute or two to sit down and type, the sleep deprivation prevents me from creating anything worth reading. Over the past few months, I have dreamed up all sorts of wonderful blog posts...sharing my birth story, my first mother's day, a humorous parody about breast pumping, the in's and out's of being a mom of twins. But time is passing so quickly and I can't keep up! There have been days when I have been lucky to get a shower in, much less blog about how excited I am to be clean! My babies are already three months old! A lot has happened, but I will start now, with where I am at today. Chances are, I'll be in a much different place by tomorrow.
Today I spent some time thinking about my experience with pregnancy and having two babies. Lately, my mind has been wandering around in much of the past. During those eight-ish months, each day was grueling, painful, and slow. Now that it's over and the babies are here, it seems as if it was a blink of an eye. Maybe it's because I know that it might have been my one and only pregnancy. Maybe it's because it ended a month earlier than everyone else's. Maybe it's because I don't remember how truly awful it was. Maybe it's because I miss all the attention. Maybe I am trying to hold on to an important time in my life that I worry I'll forget. Maybe this is normal. Or maybe I am crazy. I said it over and over and over again: "I will not miss this!" But here I am. And I kinda---do I dare say it?---I kinda miss being pregnant.
"What??!! That's crazy!"you shout. "Didn't you create this blog in part to document it and in fact, COMPLAIN about your horrible, awful, miserable, poor-me of a pregnancy?" I know. I know. I don't quite get it either.
There is so much that happened in such a short amount of time. Maybe my brain is still trying to process it all.
I have been watching fellow preggo friends and asking them all about their experiences. I have enjoyed posts from people on Facebook making comments about their mid-night cravings or baby brains. And I have read blogs posts about the NICU, twins and multiples, and birth stories. And here is what I have learned.
I am extremely blessed.
Well, yeah. Duh.
I know--I have two beautiful babies and everything ended up working out just fine. I am now out, on the other side. And I have a new perspective.
Before I was on THIS side, I was preoccupied with certain things. I wrote before about how I struggled with my comparison to others. I heard women complaining about week 39 and their tiny one-baby baby bump and their very UN-swollen, skinny feet. I saw pictures of them holding their full-term baby who slept and nursed well...a baby they got to put on their chest the moment they were born...a baby they got to take home the next day. I heard of beautiful, natural births that went according to plan.
Fast forward through pre-emclampsia, an early delivery via c-section, three weeks stay in the NICU, and another three months at home. Here we are. My babies are happy and healthy...and oh yeah, so am I!
And though I am reminiscent of my pregnancy now, I do LOVE feeling normal again. It is wonderful to be able to move with ease, to bend over, to work out. I appreciate my body, not only for the work that it did bringing my son and daughter into this world, but for what it has always been able to do. I didn't realize how fit and in shape I was until I wasn't. I am slowly regaining my strength and building back muscle. My feet returned to normal, all the swelling is gone, and the weight is melting off. I feel great.
Okay, where am I going? I don't remember. It's 10:30 pm and I should be in bed. This is the reason I can't write a blog post. The babies have already been sleeping for three hours...I am wasting precious sleep time before they wake up again. Oh yeah, I remember.
I was saying how I have been thinking about my pregnancy and trying to remember every last bit of it, trying to hold on to all the good and the bad. Upon my reflections, I have started to realize how truly blessed I was and am.
I am currently finishing out the school year with my third graders. I used up most of my FMLA time on bed rest in February and had to go back for the month of May. Luckily my mom is here to watch the babies. Twice a day at work I go into a closet in the library, where I can hide away and hook up to my breast pump and do my motherly duties. Every time I go into that room, I must walk past the librarian.
Earlier this year she lost her grand babies: boy-girl twins like mine...boy-girl twins who she never got to meet. It pains me to walk up to her and ask her for the closet key so I can pump in privacy. I fear that I am a constant reminder of the twins her daughter never got to have.
Today I read a blog post about a woman who has a rare pregnancy condition and was hospitalized at 26 weeks. She is on real bed rest...the kind where you are confined to a bed and can't get up to do anything. She will spend the next two months in a hospital bed. And this is after having all kinds of trouble getting pregnant in the first place. I spent four days in the hospital and I was allowed to get up and go to the bathroom. And I hated it.
I met a lady at the multiples club who had major issues with diastis recti. It took her almost a year to feel back to normal after carrying two huge babies on her 5'3'' frame. Her babies were over 7 pounds! And she had a toddler to care for during her pregnancy.
I read online all kinds of stories about micro-preemies. These are babies who are born at or before 30 weeks. They are tiny and skinny and have all kinds of interventions and tubes and medicine. They live in the NICU for months and months. Their stories are amazing. My NICU experience doesn't compare at all. Many twins haven't made it as far as mine. Some don't make it at all and others don't come home for a long, long time.
My first few months as a mom have been up and down, both good and bad. Just when I think I have something down, when I am confident or feeling proud, that is when the Lord humbles me. I thought I was pretty bad-ass for a second, pretty hard core, especially after my hard pregnancy. But then I walked by my librarian. Or read a sad Facebook post. Or saw a picture of a tiny NICU baby.
That is not to discredit some things I went through that were hard. These last several months have tested my strength, my emotional capacity, and my patience. But I am out on the other side. I can't believe just this time last year I started reading and talking about babies and pregnancy. I can't believe that time has come and gone. And I can't believe I have these two healthy, adorable babies, and that they are mine. When it gets overwhelming and difficult, I am reminded of others who don't have it as easy as I do. I am reminded of how incredibly blessed I am. I am reminded of what God has allowed and ordained for my life and how completely undeserving I am of all of it.
Yes, I am out on the other side....And I like where I am.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
My First Mother's Day Reflection- May, 2013
I remember when I was about nine years old. I was riding on the bus with a friend. We were talking about what it would be like to be all grown up and in college. I remember in my nine-year old brain how the future felt like lifetimes away-like it would never actually arrive-like some unreachable point in time that only existed in a dream world or an imaginary thought. That was about 20 years ago. College came and went. Fast forward through jobs, getting married, buying a house...
Now I find myself sitting in a nursery room rocking my babies to sleep. How did this day come so fast? I think about Eleanor and Benjamin and how much they've already changed in just two months. I've tried to mentally hold on to every little moment, their tiny fingers, their precious noises, the way they hold their hands in fists while eating, their bright eyes staring into mine. I've already forgotten what they were like during their first days in the NICU at just over four pounds. I sit and reminisce about each big moment that has passed and plan how I will savor the next. I wonder if my mother looked at me and imagined my future and what it would be like. Did she think about me being all grown up, holding my own baby? When I look at Eleanor and Benjamin, I am saddened to consider that this tiny, innocent baby will eventually become a great big person with a baby of their own. I know it will happen so much faster than I expect it to. What goes through my mom's head as she stands there watching her baby all grown up holding a baby? Craziness.
And so it is my first Mother's Day...already. When I was little I would sometimes sit on the counter in my parents' kitchen while my mom was cooking. I remember telling her how I would never leave home and how I didn't want to get married or ever move away. And my mom tried to explain, make me understand that I would someday grow up and leave her. I didn't believe her one bit. She also told me that I would never know the incredible love she had for me, not until I had my own child, she said. Again, I didn't agree.
But now I know of this love. And in some ways my mother was completely right. But in other ways, I think she may have underestimated the love of a child...underestimated my love for her as a child. Now I can compare the two-the love I had for my mom when I was a little and the love I now have for my own children as a mother. I know that at the time I had that conversation with my mom, she was my whole world, my everything. I could never love anyone or anything more than I loved her. And in my little kid mind, she couldn't possibly love me any more than I loved her. And that is exactly how I feel about Benjamin and Eleanor. They are my whole world, my everything, and there is nothing and no one that I love more. And I also have an even deeper love for my mother. Not only because I now understand some of the sacrifices she made for me, but because I truly do understand how much she loves me. But I still would argue that the innocent, unconditional, young love of a child is just as great towards her mom as the profound, sacrificial love of a mother is for her children.
There is no way I would be where I am now without my mom. I have leaned on her so incredibly much the past year and I am forever indebted to her. She continues to show strength, humility, sacrifice, and love. She has rescued me in times of need...whether I was too round and pregnant to clean my house, too tired to get up and feed babies, or too overwhelmed with going to work after maternity leave. For the past several months she has been not only my mother, but my nanny, my housekeeper, my cook, and my counselor. She is an amazing woman who I can never repay for all she has done for me. And now that I think of it, she is right. She has shown me much more love than I have ever shown her. I can only hope that I will be half the mother she is.
Now I find myself sitting in a nursery room rocking my babies to sleep. How did this day come so fast? I think about Eleanor and Benjamin and how much they've already changed in just two months. I've tried to mentally hold on to every little moment, their tiny fingers, their precious noises, the way they hold their hands in fists while eating, their bright eyes staring into mine. I've already forgotten what they were like during their first days in the NICU at just over four pounds. I sit and reminisce about each big moment that has passed and plan how I will savor the next. I wonder if my mother looked at me and imagined my future and what it would be like. Did she think about me being all grown up, holding my own baby? When I look at Eleanor and Benjamin, I am saddened to consider that this tiny, innocent baby will eventually become a great big person with a baby of their own. I know it will happen so much faster than I expect it to. What goes through my mom's head as she stands there watching her baby all grown up holding a baby? Craziness.
And so it is my first Mother's Day...already. When I was little I would sometimes sit on the counter in my parents' kitchen while my mom was cooking. I remember telling her how I would never leave home and how I didn't want to get married or ever move away. And my mom tried to explain, make me understand that I would someday grow up and leave her. I didn't believe her one bit. She also told me that I would never know the incredible love she had for me, not until I had my own child, she said. Again, I didn't agree.
But now I know of this love. And in some ways my mother was completely right. But in other ways, I think she may have underestimated the love of a child...underestimated my love for her as a child. Now I can compare the two-the love I had for my mom when I was a little and the love I now have for my own children as a mother. I know that at the time I had that conversation with my mom, she was my whole world, my everything. I could never love anyone or anything more than I loved her. And in my little kid mind, she couldn't possibly love me any more than I loved her. And that is exactly how I feel about Benjamin and Eleanor. They are my whole world, my everything, and there is nothing and no one that I love more. And I also have an even deeper love for my mother. Not only because I now understand some of the sacrifices she made for me, but because I truly do understand how much she loves me. But I still would argue that the innocent, unconditional, young love of a child is just as great towards her mom as the profound, sacrificial love of a mother is for her children.
There is no way I would be where I am now without my mom. I have leaned on her so incredibly much the past year and I am forever indebted to her. She continues to show strength, humility, sacrifice, and love. She has rescued me in times of need...whether I was too round and pregnant to clean my house, too tired to get up and feed babies, or too overwhelmed with going to work after maternity leave. For the past several months she has been not only my mother, but my nanny, my housekeeper, my cook, and my counselor. She is an amazing woman who I can never repay for all she has done for me. And now that I think of it, she is right. She has shown me much more love than I have ever shown her. I can only hope that I will be half the mother she is.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Twin Pregnancy: A Summary in Words Continued...
Third Trimester: Part 2
32 weeks: we made it with no babies yet! Phew! Baby A still breech. Bummer. Bed-rest isn't so bad. Can my belly really get any bigger? I'm down to flip flops and two pairs of pants and the same three shirts. Nothing fits. More swelling...Headaches. Severe pain in my pelvis-is it breaking? Pain with every step-which most days are only taken to get to the bathroom or the kitchen. Not working is nice. Netflix...Breaking Bad Season One. Breaking Bad season Two. Season three, season four. Now what?? Thank you cards...more thank you cards. Aching back. Ouch! Beautiful weather-too bad I can't take a walk.
Week 33: Giant swollen feet. Sigh. Weekly appointments...bi-weekly appointments...tri-weekly appointments. I live at the hospital and The Women's Clinic! Everyone knows my name and my face...and my GIANT belly. "Oh, your poor feet!" everyone says. Weekly iron infusions in the oncology center. (I'm thankful I don't have cancer-feeling very guilty and very sorry for the people on either side of me during these appointments.) Back is KILLING me! Pressure in my you-know-what! Owie! Is my colon collapsing?? Swollen toes, feet, knees--what knees?--thighs, face...will my skin split open?? Belly of massive proportions! 48 1/2 inches to be exact! I'm a complete sphere! Appointment after appointment. Platelets dropping. Protein in urine. Signs of pre-eclampsia...come back on Monday. Pain...Tears. More tears. No sleep what-so-ever. SO uncomfortable at night! Getting in and out of bed to pee feels like I ran a marathon. Still CAN'T get comfortable. Frustration! Crying some more.
34 weeks: Wow. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! One day at a time. I'm almost there. Sigh. I can't move or breathe or sleep. Eating doesn't work at a table or on the couch. My feet are going to explode! Maybe we can have the babies this week? I'm dying!! Okay---I only have to hang in 2 more weeks, right? I CAN do it. Two more weeks. That's my goal. That's it. Okay.
34 weeks 6 days...Almost daily visiting the Women's Clinic. Non-stress test. Another non-stress test. Blood work. Urine samples. More protein. Lower platelets. How can there be MORE swelling!?Rapid weight gain. I feel like I weigh 200 pounds-oh wait I do! Guess what? "You're having these babies tomorrow!!!" What??? Tomorrow?!? Baby A STILL breech= C-section for me. Major bummer and major relief at the same time. Holy crap! We're having babies! Shoulda finished those thank you cards before now, and cleaned out the kitchen cabinets, and ran to Babies R Us again, and ordered cute baby photo props--darn it! Brain won't stop. Tears. No Sleep WHATSOEVER. What if this? What if that? What about early babies and the NICU? Stop! More and more tears...tears of fear...tears of relief...tears of exhaustion...tears of excitement...Ready or not, here we go babies!
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Five of the Biggest Lessons from my One BIG Pregnancy
I am five feet tall, zero inches. And there are two babies in my belly. Those babies have amounted to about four pounds each thus far and have stretched my waistline to roughly 47 1/2 inches. That's about four feet wide! I am almost as wide as I am tall! You can imagine how ridiculous this looks and how ridiculous I feel! I waddle when I walk. My back is completely arched forward. I can no longer put on my own shoes or socks. My maternity clothes seem to constantly be shrinking. I'm swollen and fat and uncomfortable and in pain. The growth of this belly has been exponential. I should have used it to teach measurement and data in my third grade classroom. We could have been graphing my progress and come up with an average number of centimeters my belly grows out each week. Oh well.
I am approaching 34 weeks with my boy/girl twins and though I am looking ahead to my very exciting future, I can't help but look back and reflect on what I have learned throughout the last 8 months. This pregnancy has been a blessing, it has been painful, and it has been a time for growth, in more ways than one. I know the most life changing part has yet to come, when I get to meet my babies for the first time, but I have already learned so much. I think these five lessons are particularly helpful for other new moms or first-time pregnant women, but I plan to apply them to other areas of my life.
Here goes:
1) Get over yourself. Someone always has it worse than you.
Okay. I'm putting this one first because it is the one I have struggled with the most and still am. I'll be honest and admit that I've used the twin card over and over again, much to my advantage, and I have also enjoyed several pitty parties for myself. Poor me-I have experienced more difficult pregnancy symptoms that are more intense and for longer periods of time because I have TWO babies. Let me first say, pregnancy is hard. Period. The End. No matter how wonderful and beautiful or amazing pregnancy can be, there are huge sacrifices women make right from the get go. Our bodies are no longer just ours. We are responsible for nurturing a little life, or for some--lives, inside of us. We are tired, we throw up, we gain weight, we swell, we cry, we are in pain, etc, etc, etc. The list goes on.
I remember back when I was just 5 weeks pregnant and the morning sickness began. I never planned on being sick and pregnant. I expected to love being pregnant and to take it like a champ. But right away I hated it. I hated every minute of it, from rushing to the toilet at 5 am to puke up bile, to laying on a cold bathroom floor with an enema bag hanging over my head, my intestines cramping from severe constipation, to the horrendous smell of any food being cooked anywhere. It was horrible. And everyone kept telling me: "It will get better soon. You're almost there. Just enjoy this time." Well it didn't get better, it got worse. And it kept getting worse. And I didn't enjoy it. Enjoy feeling like you are going to die? What kind of advice was that?
Looking back though, I have a somewhat better perspective. It is so hard duirng those early weeks of your pregnancy because you have yet to feel your babies move or hear their heart beat or really even comprehend that you have something so much more than what feels like a parasite taking over your body at the time. When you are struggling most, stop and think about what it would be like to be worse off than you are. Trouble imagining something worse? I thought so too. I told myself I was more sick and more uncomfortable than most other people because I had twins and I had twice the hormones. Well, what about the people who carry triplets or quadruplets? What about the women who are begging for nausea and morning sickness and would gladly take the worst of it, if only to get pregnant. What about the people who have miscarriages? Feeling like you are going to die? Well, what about the people who actual might? During this time of my pregnancy, I quickly became thankful that I have no chronic illnesses or diseases that require me to take medicine or be hospitalized or be sick off and on all the time. I recently have been getting iron infusions to help my anemia. I get them done on the oncology floor where everyone else is sitting there getting chemo. It sure puts things into perspective. I have even read about women who have a rare condition that makes them so sick during their pregnancy that their life is actually threatened. How about being on bed rest for the entire pregnancy and being fed through an IV and almost dying? Okay...your life surely isn't that bad or that hard. Get over it.
2) Count your blessings each day. We take the simplest things for granted until they are put into perspective for us.
This lesson is directly connected to number one. Once I stopped feeling like I had a disease, I started getting big. I never had that honeymoon phase of the second trimester. By 18 weeks the nausea was subsiding very slowly and gradually, but my belly was already making it's debut. Just a few weeks after that I became very large and uncomfortable and swollen. I realized how much I took for granted before. Now that my body wasn't my own and wasn't working the way it used to, I really appreciated what it had been capable of in the past and what how it is still functioning now.
At 33 weeks and on bed rest, I wish to be able to bend over, put on clothes without thinking about how painful it will be, take a shower without my back cramping, have feeling in the tips of my fingers, or be able to wear shoes. I didn't realize until now exactly how privildeged I was to have a body that not only functioned normally, but one that was strong and healthy. I have all my limbs and fingers and my nerves and muscles work. Before pregnancy I could run, jump, twist, skip, stand on my head if I wanted to.
I hated going on runs before, now I wish I could take a short walk just to the end of my street. I used to put my body down and never feel like I was thin enough or had the right muscle tone, but after gaining almost 60 pounds and getting stretch marks, I wish I could go back and tell my former self how amazing my body was. And in the future I will appreciate it so much more, because after all, this body has carried my children around for months and allowed me to have a family.
There are so many things that I appreciate now that I didn't before. And there are so many ways that I have been blessed. Enjoy your day because you don't have a stuffy nose, or because you can tie your own shoes, or because you slept through the night. You don't realize how big those little things are until they aren't there anymore.
3) Humor is a must! Rely on comic relief when you can.
If you can't laugh at yourself, everyone else will anyway and then you'll just be sad. Well, maybe everyone isn't going to laugh at you but when you're feeling miserable, if you can see some humor in the situation, you might feel a lot less miserable. Find a friend who shares your situation or read blogs that provide comic relief or laugh off a rude comment. I had one lady ask me if they "made clothes that would be big enough to fit my belly at the the end of my pregnancy." Rude? Yes. And she was asking when I was only around 22 or 23 weeks or so. My reply: "Well, I have actually worried about that, but my husband said he will help me sew together sheets to make some nice ponchos to get me through those last couple of months."
Most of the people I know who are strong and pull through the toughest times are those that are also very humorous. That is not to say you should just laugh it off and never deal with your emotions, but here and there being able to see things as funny even when they are not will help you get through some rough situations. I think one of my funniest moments during this pregnancy was when I was puking so hard in the bathroom that I peed all over the floor. My husband walked by and saw my legs apart with a puddle on the ground and ask, "Seriously, you puked on the floor?" I just started laughing and said, "No! I peed on the floor!" It was so sad and pathetic and I could have cried about it (trust me it happened more than once and sometimes I did cry) but laughing felt a lot better. I know when I am trying to take care of two babies in the near future, I am going to need a little humor to get through it. And eventually when I look back on those difficult nights, I might just find explosive poops or screaming babies truly funny.
4) Let it go.
I have had to do this over and over again and I am sure that being a parent will require even more practice. At first I wanted to get pregnant but thought it would take up to a year. I was pregnant within the first two months of trying. I wanted one baby, but I got two. I timed my pregnancy perfectly for one full term baby, but may have two early babies. I might have to go back to work sooner than I expected since I ended up on bed rest. I never thought I would get morning sickness or stretch marks. I wanted a natural birth in a beautiful birthing room, but I will be delivering in an OR "just in case" there are complications with the twins. As of now my babies are breech and may require a c-section. I wanted to be a cute, fashionable pregnant lady, but my legs are so swollen I can no longer wear fitted jeans or shoes. I wanted to continue my extremely healthy high-protein, all natural diet throughout my pregnancy but I couldn't do it.
So let some things go. Hold on to the things that you are passionate about--don't let others tell you that you can't have what you want or that you aren't going to be able to do something if you truly want to do it. I believe you should advocate for yourself and fight for the things that are truly important, but cut yourself some slack here and there. Give yourself some grace when you don't meet your original expectations and let things go that are not within your control. If something isn't in your control (such as my OR delivery), decide what you can control and go from there (visualization to block out the bright lights and extra people and earbuds with calm music). And if you truly have no control, change your attitude and let it go.
5) Take time to look back before you look ahead.
Lastly, stop and savor life's transitions. Look back on your experiences before you move ahead to the next. Self-reflection is important for growth. I learn so much when I take the time to think through my past and appreciate where I've been and how I got to "here." Journaling is a great way to document your experiences and be able to see the big picture. Often I don't learn the real lessons in life until I go back and read my journal entries and compare where I was then to where I am now. I previously wrote about this topic and how much things can change in a short amount of time. Looking back allows you to appreciate your struggles, your accomplishments, and how God has provided for you or protected you. What does Ferris Bueller say?
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
So true.
And those are the five biggest lessons from my BIG pregnancy. This blog post is long enough to be wrapped around my huge belly so I will close. For fun, I will leave you with before and after pictures...although I must admit the belly is much larger in person. I am going to just laugh about it for now and appreciate that my body has maintained and nourished two babies. Amazing stuff. (I'll get over it, eventually.)
I am approaching 34 weeks with my boy/girl twins and though I am looking ahead to my very exciting future, I can't help but look back and reflect on what I have learned throughout the last 8 months. This pregnancy has been a blessing, it has been painful, and it has been a time for growth, in more ways than one. I know the most life changing part has yet to come, when I get to meet my babies for the first time, but I have already learned so much. I think these five lessons are particularly helpful for other new moms or first-time pregnant women, but I plan to apply them to other areas of my life.
Here goes:
1) Get over yourself. Someone always has it worse than you.
Okay. I'm putting this one first because it is the one I have struggled with the most and still am. I'll be honest and admit that I've used the twin card over and over again, much to my advantage, and I have also enjoyed several pitty parties for myself. Poor me-I have experienced more difficult pregnancy symptoms that are more intense and for longer periods of time because I have TWO babies. Let me first say, pregnancy is hard. Period. The End. No matter how wonderful and beautiful or amazing pregnancy can be, there are huge sacrifices women make right from the get go. Our bodies are no longer just ours. We are responsible for nurturing a little life, or for some--lives, inside of us. We are tired, we throw up, we gain weight, we swell, we cry, we are in pain, etc, etc, etc. The list goes on.
I remember back when I was just 5 weeks pregnant and the morning sickness began. I never planned on being sick and pregnant. I expected to love being pregnant and to take it like a champ. But right away I hated it. I hated every minute of it, from rushing to the toilet at 5 am to puke up bile, to laying on a cold bathroom floor with an enema bag hanging over my head, my intestines cramping from severe constipation, to the horrendous smell of any food being cooked anywhere. It was horrible. And everyone kept telling me: "It will get better soon. You're almost there. Just enjoy this time." Well it didn't get better, it got worse. And it kept getting worse. And I didn't enjoy it. Enjoy feeling like you are going to die? What kind of advice was that?
Looking back though, I have a somewhat better perspective. It is so hard duirng those early weeks of your pregnancy because you have yet to feel your babies move or hear their heart beat or really even comprehend that you have something so much more than what feels like a parasite taking over your body at the time. When you are struggling most, stop and think about what it would be like to be worse off than you are. Trouble imagining something worse? I thought so too. I told myself I was more sick and more uncomfortable than most other people because I had twins and I had twice the hormones. Well, what about the people who carry triplets or quadruplets? What about the women who are begging for nausea and morning sickness and would gladly take the worst of it, if only to get pregnant. What about the people who have miscarriages? Feeling like you are going to die? Well, what about the people who actual might? During this time of my pregnancy, I quickly became thankful that I have no chronic illnesses or diseases that require me to take medicine or be hospitalized or be sick off and on all the time. I recently have been getting iron infusions to help my anemia. I get them done on the oncology floor where everyone else is sitting there getting chemo. It sure puts things into perspective. I have even read about women who have a rare condition that makes them so sick during their pregnancy that their life is actually threatened. How about being on bed rest for the entire pregnancy and being fed through an IV and almost dying? Okay...your life surely isn't that bad or that hard. Get over it.
2) Count your blessings each day. We take the simplest things for granted until they are put into perspective for us.
This lesson is directly connected to number one. Once I stopped feeling like I had a disease, I started getting big. I never had that honeymoon phase of the second trimester. By 18 weeks the nausea was subsiding very slowly and gradually, but my belly was already making it's debut. Just a few weeks after that I became very large and uncomfortable and swollen. I realized how much I took for granted before. Now that my body wasn't my own and wasn't working the way it used to, I really appreciated what it had been capable of in the past and what how it is still functioning now.
At 33 weeks and on bed rest, I wish to be able to bend over, put on clothes without thinking about how painful it will be, take a shower without my back cramping, have feeling in the tips of my fingers, or be able to wear shoes. I didn't realize until now exactly how privildeged I was to have a body that not only functioned normally, but one that was strong and healthy. I have all my limbs and fingers and my nerves and muscles work. Before pregnancy I could run, jump, twist, skip, stand on my head if I wanted to.
I hated going on runs before, now I wish I could take a short walk just to the end of my street. I used to put my body down and never feel like I was thin enough or had the right muscle tone, but after gaining almost 60 pounds and getting stretch marks, I wish I could go back and tell my former self how amazing my body was. And in the future I will appreciate it so much more, because after all, this body has carried my children around for months and allowed me to have a family.
There are so many things that I appreciate now that I didn't before. And there are so many ways that I have been blessed. Enjoy your day because you don't have a stuffy nose, or because you can tie your own shoes, or because you slept through the night. You don't realize how big those little things are until they aren't there anymore.
3) Humor is a must! Rely on comic relief when you can.
If you can't laugh at yourself, everyone else will anyway and then you'll just be sad. Well, maybe everyone isn't going to laugh at you but when you're feeling miserable, if you can see some humor in the situation, you might feel a lot less miserable. Find a friend who shares your situation or read blogs that provide comic relief or laugh off a rude comment. I had one lady ask me if they "made clothes that would be big enough to fit my belly at the the end of my pregnancy." Rude? Yes. And she was asking when I was only around 22 or 23 weeks or so. My reply: "Well, I have actually worried about that, but my husband said he will help me sew together sheets to make some nice ponchos to get me through those last couple of months."
Most of the people I know who are strong and pull through the toughest times are those that are also very humorous. That is not to say you should just laugh it off and never deal with your emotions, but here and there being able to see things as funny even when they are not will help you get through some rough situations. I think one of my funniest moments during this pregnancy was when I was puking so hard in the bathroom that I peed all over the floor. My husband walked by and saw my legs apart with a puddle on the ground and ask, "Seriously, you puked on the floor?" I just started laughing and said, "No! I peed on the floor!" It was so sad and pathetic and I could have cried about it (trust me it happened more than once and sometimes I did cry) but laughing felt a lot better. I know when I am trying to take care of two babies in the near future, I am going to need a little humor to get through it. And eventually when I look back on those difficult nights, I might just find explosive poops or screaming babies truly funny.
4) Let it go.
I have had to do this over and over again and I am sure that being a parent will require even more practice. At first I wanted to get pregnant but thought it would take up to a year. I was pregnant within the first two months of trying. I wanted one baby, but I got two. I timed my pregnancy perfectly for one full term baby, but may have two early babies. I might have to go back to work sooner than I expected since I ended up on bed rest. I never thought I would get morning sickness or stretch marks. I wanted a natural birth in a beautiful birthing room, but I will be delivering in an OR "just in case" there are complications with the twins. As of now my babies are breech and may require a c-section. I wanted to be a cute, fashionable pregnant lady, but my legs are so swollen I can no longer wear fitted jeans or shoes. I wanted to continue my extremely healthy high-protein, all natural diet throughout my pregnancy but I couldn't do it.
So let some things go. Hold on to the things that you are passionate about--don't let others tell you that you can't have what you want or that you aren't going to be able to do something if you truly want to do it. I believe you should advocate for yourself and fight for the things that are truly important, but cut yourself some slack here and there. Give yourself some grace when you don't meet your original expectations and let things go that are not within your control. If something isn't in your control (such as my OR delivery), decide what you can control and go from there (visualization to block out the bright lights and extra people and earbuds with calm music). And if you truly have no control, change your attitude and let it go.
5) Take time to look back before you look ahead.
Lastly, stop and savor life's transitions. Look back on your experiences before you move ahead to the next. Self-reflection is important for growth. I learn so much when I take the time to think through my past and appreciate where I've been and how I got to "here." Journaling is a great way to document your experiences and be able to see the big picture. Often I don't learn the real lessons in life until I go back and read my journal entries and compare where I was then to where I am now. I previously wrote about this topic and how much things can change in a short amount of time. Looking back allows you to appreciate your struggles, your accomplishments, and how God has provided for you or protected you. What does Ferris Bueller say?
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
So true.
And those are the five biggest lessons from my BIG pregnancy. This blog post is long enough to be wrapped around my huge belly so I will close. For fun, I will leave you with before and after pictures...although I must admit the belly is much larger in person. I am going to just laugh about it for now and appreciate that my body has maintained and nourished two babies. Amazing stuff. (I'll get over it, eventually.)
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Twin Pregnancy: A Summary In Words Continued...
Third Trimester-Part 1:
I made it to Christmas break and then to January. Back to work. Ugh...so hard, so heavy, so tired. Slacker teacher. Major swelling. Three pairs of shoes fit. Buy fake Uggs to wear to work. More swelling. Growing belly. Weight tapers off. More swelling. Two pairs of shoes fit. My muffin top of a foot barely fits in my flip flops...thank goodness for warm weather. 1 pair of shoes fit. Compression socks. Carpal tunnel braces...extreme numbness...Can someone cut my fingertips off?? GRRR! Doctor's appointment: your cervix is a little short and it's funneling. Come back next week. Kids at school asking questions and poking belly. "When will the babies be here? Are you okay, Mrs. Rittner? Why is your belly so hard? You are HUGE. What if your water breaks in class? Why do you have to wear that brace? Whoa, look at your feet!" Teaching gets harder. Walking slower and slower. Principal observation-Check. Sleeping--what is that? Husband can't sleep because of me. Wake up every few hours to pee and reposition...can barely get in and out of bed. Can't breathe. Cheeseburgers=delicious. I will eat one every day! (Just kidding.) Making progress on basement renovation and babies' room. Doctor's appointment: Cervix is okay. Come back next week. Late for work. Let teammates do almost everything. Kids sit on the floor and pick things up and bring things to me. Oh the numbness in my hands!!!
Baby Shower--check. Birthing class-check. Baby room--check. Work feels better but walking is still hard and swelling is bad. Painful pelvis and hips. Cheeseburger-mmmm! 50 pounds gained!! Yowzer! Basement almost finished-tile being installed in the bathroom. Doctor's appointment: 30 weeks. Shorter Cervix. Steroid shots for babies just in case. Procardia for contractions. Two weeks of bed rest for now. Next day feeling weird from medicine. Following day increase in contractions. Call into the doctor on Sunday and end up being admitted in the hospital. You must stay the night. Poke, prod, swab, monitor, stick, fluids, medicine. All kinds of meds for contractions, monitoring every few hours, and more blood tests. You must stay another night. Waiting and waiting for results and decisions. One more day of waiting. Boredom sets in. Severe swelling from fluids. I look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy or the Michelin Man! Hospital tour--check. Babies look great, contractions stop. Cervix has lengthened. Phew! But wait-Severely anemic. Iron drip on IV weekly. Bed rest continued...31 weeks down. Hang on babies!
I made it to Christmas break and then to January. Back to work. Ugh...so hard, so heavy, so tired. Slacker teacher. Major swelling. Three pairs of shoes fit. Buy fake Uggs to wear to work. More swelling. Growing belly. Weight tapers off. More swelling. Two pairs of shoes fit. My muffin top of a foot barely fits in my flip flops...thank goodness for warm weather. 1 pair of shoes fit. Compression socks. Carpal tunnel braces...extreme numbness...Can someone cut my fingertips off?? GRRR! Doctor's appointment: your cervix is a little short and it's funneling. Come back next week. Kids at school asking questions and poking belly. "When will the babies be here? Are you okay, Mrs. Rittner? Why is your belly so hard? You are HUGE. What if your water breaks in class? Why do you have to wear that brace? Whoa, look at your feet!" Teaching gets harder. Walking slower and slower. Principal observation-Check. Sleeping--what is that? Husband can't sleep because of me. Wake up every few hours to pee and reposition...can barely get in and out of bed. Can't breathe. Cheeseburgers=delicious. I will eat one every day! (Just kidding.) Making progress on basement renovation and babies' room. Doctor's appointment: Cervix is okay. Come back next week. Late for work. Let teammates do almost everything. Kids sit on the floor and pick things up and bring things to me. Oh the numbness in my hands!!!
Baby Shower--check. Birthing class-check. Baby room--check. Work feels better but walking is still hard and swelling is bad. Painful pelvis and hips. Cheeseburger-mmmm! 50 pounds gained!! Yowzer! Basement almost finished-tile being installed in the bathroom. Doctor's appointment: 30 weeks. Shorter Cervix. Steroid shots for babies just in case. Procardia for contractions. Two weeks of bed rest for now. Next day feeling weird from medicine. Following day increase in contractions. Call into the doctor on Sunday and end up being admitted in the hospital. You must stay the night. Poke, prod, swab, monitor, stick, fluids, medicine. All kinds of meds for contractions, monitoring every few hours, and more blood tests. You must stay another night. Waiting and waiting for results and decisions. One more day of waiting. Boredom sets in. Severe swelling from fluids. I look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy or the Michelin Man! Hospital tour--check. Babies look great, contractions stop. Cervix has lengthened. Phew! But wait-Severely anemic. Iron drip on IV weekly. Bed rest continued...31 weeks down. Hang on babies!
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