If someone had predicted a year ago, that I would be where I am now, I wouldn't have believed them. If last year, God Himself would have told me where I would be right now, I might not have believed Him.
This time last year, I wrote in my journal:
10-8-11
"Sigh. Big Sigh. I don't know where to start. I don't want to complain-so-I am not sure what to write down. I feel like I've asked too much, whined too much, felt negative things too much. How do you stay positive when everything seems to be falling apart around you?? We humans think we can only handle so much. Can I really do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me?"
Let me explain. Last October, my job was filled with stress. The elementary school I teach at had just made it through a year on the closure list, and then after the relief of staying open, received our scores and were told we would be on "turnaround" status. The district was going to come in and put all kinds of pressure on the teachers who were "not doing enough" to help our low income, high poverty, and badly behaved students to score higher and show more growth on the state standardized tests. My husband had been laid off the previous April and decided to go into Real Estate. He had sold one house in July. I didn't make enough to cover our bills. And for the kicker, our marriage was falling apart. In fact, in the same entry I also wrote: "Lord, I am really not enjoying being married to this person. I think I'd rather be alone at this point, seriously." I went on complaining about my husband and how he wasn't doing enough and how I was working my butt off and how unfair my life was. Greg and I had been fighting constantly. I had left the house in anger and was sitting in my car.
And then I wrote: "I don't want to go home and I don't want to appologize right now. Show me that You are here. Because I don't want to be -HERE- anymore. I need to know that You are near and that You have plans for me, Lord. I love You and I'm so grateful for Your blessings and Your promises. I really wish I could take a weekend trip and hang out with You in Heaven until Monday."
I was devastated, exhausted, and stuck. I wanted out.
A few days later I wrote down a question, specifically for the Lord. I had no idea how weighted this question was:
10-10-11
"Lord, I am having a difficult time trusting you. What does that really look like? What will happen in the next year?"
Wow. Boy, did the Lord have quite the year in store for me! I would learn all about trust and it would all happen exactly within a year. In that same entry, I mentioned how there were plenty of people in the Old Testament that were asked to trust God with everything. I thought of Job, Sarah, Esther, Abraham, David, to name just a few. There were so many people in the bible who had to rely on the Lord in huge ways. Surely I could trust Him with my marriage and with our finances, right? I had no idea how God would salvage this awful relationship and all the history and all of our hurt. I thought we would never be able to have kids because we just had too many issues, and now we didn't have enough of an income either. I was supposed to trust the Lord with all this? I would try my best...
A week later, Greg and I had the biggest fight we'd ever had in our entire relationship. I left the house and stayed with my best friend for an entire week. And I didn't really miss Greg at all. A first ever. But still I would trust. I started praying diligently for my husband, for my marriage, and for myself as a wife. Once I came home, we started praying together. And most of all, I started working on fixing ME instead of trying to fix Greg.
We made slow progress, but we made progress. We worked with a pastor and his wife from our church on marriage counseling and also became involved in a small group of Christian friends. We set boundaries with our families and with work. And we kept at it.
Over the next few months, we gradually found healing, forgiveness, and happiness. And then we started discussing the possibility of having children. Greg was unwilling to give me answers in this area at first. I wanted a timeline, a plan of some sort. He wouldn't budge. So I kept praying and trying to be patient.
By March, we were truly enjoying each other and our marriage and we were dealing with differences rather than fighting, yelling, or avoiding each other. We became more intimate and more connected. And we started talking about babies. Greg started talking about babies!
At the end of April, we decided that we would start trying to conceive that summer. We didn't really have a solid plan or solid finances, but we didn't want to wait anymore. We were in such a good place in our marriage. Plus, I had some health concerns that could play a role in getting pregnant, so we figured it might take time. I prayed that God would allow us to conceive if He wanted us to, and that if we weren't truly ready--in our marriage, spiritually, and financially--then He would delay it until we were. I couldn't believe how in love I was with Greg and how different he was. He had been softened for sure. He was more understanding, more caring, and easier to talk to. I kept asking the Lord to show me ways I could be a better wife and continue working on myself.
For my birthday (July 7th), I asked the Lord for a baby, of course if He wanted to give one to us. By the end of July, we found out we were pregnant and thus began a whirlwind of emotions and suprises. The Lord had clearly answered my prayers!
It is now October, exactly one year from those horrendous fights and long stressful months. Greg is making some money as a Realtor and I am loving my same job at the same school. I am 16 weeks pregnant and we recently found out we are having TWINS! We have been looking at strollers and cribs and talking about things that parents talk about. We are happy and in love and also stressed out. It is still so easy to fall into the trap of fear and doubt and worry. These are the things I do well, unfortunately. To be honest, after I found out I was pregnant, I wasn't sure I wanted to be. Then, when I became really excited about having a baby, I found out there were actually two. Again, I wondered and worried about our ability to come up with the resources, to succeed as parents, to continue our happy marriage with two babies.
Looking back in my journal and on my last year though, I see things so very clear. The Lord answered my question. He showed me exactly what I wanted to know. And He gave me what I wanted. On October 10th last year I asked "What will happen in the next year?"out of such uncertainty, such distrust. I know otherwise now. On October 11th this year, I was sitting in an ultrasound room looking at two little babies on the screen that were growing inside of me. God is so good and so faithful! I am in awe of Him and I don't know yet why my husband and I have been entrusted with two babies, but wow, do we feel blessed! Yes, it is scary and unknown, but He has given me EVERY reason to trust Him with this. Here are the lessons I am currently discovering:
1) Be careful what you ask for. God just might give it to you...and then some!
I asked for a better marriage and a child and I got a great marriage and two children! Prayer is so very powerful.
2) When you think you have learned your lesson, there is always more to learn.
I thought I had learned to trust the Lord. I knew getting pregnant was reason enough to be thankful and trust God. But TWINS! And then I started doubting. Try again, Stef...
3) The Lord knows what you need before you need it. He already has a plan, so trust in it. Find your identity and your strength in Him alone!
I asked Jesus to do something big in my marriage and specifically in my husband's heart. Greg lost his job and his grandma in the same month. Our world was rocked and we fell apart. Had we looked to the Lord in the beginning, we might have had a lot less grief. Then I asked for a child and we will have two this spring! I am not sure how we are going to support two babies, but I am certain that God will provide. He is the only one in control, so we might as well stop trying to control our own circumstances.
4) You are never to late for Jesus. We really can do all things through Him!
He will meet you right where you are at and take over, if you let Him.
Some more food for thought:
God will strengthen you with His own great power so that you will not give up when troubles come, but you will be patient. Colossians 1:11
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot. Ecclesiastes 3:1-2
The human mind plans the way, but the Lord directs the steps. The lot is cast in the lap, but the decision is the Lord's alone. Proverbs 16:9, 33
The Lord's love never ends; his mercies never stop. They are new every morning. Lord, your loyalty is great. I say to myself, "The Lord is mine, so I hope in Him." The Lord is good to those who hope in Him, to those who seek Him. Lamentations 3:22-25
AMEN!!!
