Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round.
Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears.
Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by.
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes.
Bonnie Tyler wasn't talking about being pregnant or being nauseous or worrying about adjusting to motherhood, but these first lyrics of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" do a good job of describing how I've been feeling. Though pregnancy is exciting and miraculous all in itself, (just to know that you and your husband could conceive another human being), it is completely scary and weird and unreal in many ways. It is hard to feel this awful and have nothing really to show for it, nothing to prove that it is worth all the misery. However, this week marked the first week that I felt like I am actually carrying a real, live child and not just some parasite taking over my body, making me sick.
On Monday, my husband and I heard our little one's heartbeat for the very first time.
It was my ten week appointment and there was much to do and discuss. The midwife talked with us for what seemed like hours about our family and medical history, questions about pregnancy, the baby, and vitamins and diet and such...And then finally the grand finale moment: she got out the fetal doppler and began to prepare to find our baby's beating heart so we could hear it. I have read and have been told that often during these early weeks it is difficult to find the heartbeat because the baby is still so small and could be in a position that is hard to hear. But sure enough, the second the doppler was placed on my lower belly we heard the quick thumping of this little heart, this little person living inside of me. I looked over at Greg and his eyes had just lit up with sheer suprise! It was the first time, I have seen him truly excited about all of this. We listened for a while, in awe that a baby really was in there and seemed to be doing quite well. The midwife had us get out one of our phones to record this precious sound. I am so thankful I have it taped. I sent it to all my family members and I play it back on days when I don't feel like going to work, when I am lying on the couch in agony, or after throwing up breakfast, again.
I'm still feeling pretty crummy, but knowing that my baby is actually thriving in there, makes it a little easier. Being sick all the time is not only physically draining and frustrating, but it has weighed on me mentally and has been hard on my husband too. I am learning some important lessons as I gratefully finish up my first trimester of pregnancy:
1) First, I have learned that I am nothing without my Creator.
My flesh is so very weak and my spirit is not much stronger. Being pregnant can be a little lonely. Though many have come before and will come along after you, you are truly alone in this experience. No one can go through it with you. Your friends and family can support you, care for you, and be helpful, but they cannot experience it exactly like you are. And for some, it is very difficult. I have questioned over the last weeks if I could handle much of anything hard like running a marathon, having a chronic illness, or getting through a round of chemo. NO-pregnancy is not as hard as cancer, but I seriously have a new found respect for people with illnesses or those who have to have constant surgeries, procedures, or must have others care for them. I have experienced so many weak moments such as sloppy crying all over myself simply because I didn't feel like making dinner and I was starving or I didn't want to throw up again or because my house was a mess but I felt too sick to clean it. I would be completely alone in all of this if it weren't for my Lord, my Jesus. I have come to realize how desperately I need Him and how little I am without Him.
2) I have realized lately that my husband is way more patient than I thought and I need to give him way more credit.
Greg isn't known for being overly sympathetic or having a lot of patience. He doesn't baby me or constantly ask what I need or how I am feeling. BUT-he hasn't lost his temper or been resentful or yelled at me for completely dropping all of my wifely duties. I haven't cleaned, cooked, or taken care of the dogs much since August and it is mid September! Yes, this is temporary, and he definitely can take on my responsibilities for the short time being while I am feeling lousy and pregnant, but I am very proud of Greg. He is learning too! He hasn't complained about me leaving dirty dishes in the sink, or throwing my laundry around our bedroom, or whining AGAIN about how I am tired of throwing up. He will let some of the chores pile up, maybe in hopes that I will eventually be bothered and suck it up and get them done, but then he slowly puts the dishes that I left in the sink away, cleans up the mess I made in the kitchen, and then takes care of feeding and walking the dogs, since I am obviously not going to do it. And then when I ask, he will bring me a chai tea to work, or go get me lunch and drop it off at school, or run to the grocery store for some other random thing I need. I have been frustrated because there is a lot that hasn't gotten done at home and I didn't think Greg has really tried to put himself in my shoes. But then I haven't thought a thing about his shoes, because poor me is sick and tired and ugly and sad. What a big job he has putting up with me and working and taking care of our two dogs and our house! Greg has done a whole lot and he deserves more credit for his effort and his patience with me. I'll work on that.
3) And lastly, being a mother requires all kinds of sacrifices.
I knew this already, but now I am actually experiencing it. No longer do I come first. My baby gets first dibs on everything. If I don't eat enough or eat the right thing, then I feel horrible and I get sick. It is more work to take care of my body right now, because it is no longer just mine. There is a miniture human who needs me and relies soley on me right now. This is both a priviledge and a pain. It requires planning ahead, it requires extra work. It requires sacrificing time, sleep, and comfort. Right now, it means that I may have to go grocery shopping even if I'm tired or even if I have to stop in the bathroom to puke a few times between the milk and eggs and the produce section. It means that for now I have to let go of my once clear skin, my fit body, and a good chunk of my wardrobe. It means that I have to come second, in many, if not all areas of my life. WOW. Let that one sink in for a bit.
Thankfully I am not alone. Just as the Lord has graciously provided my body what it needed to conceive and house a baby (amazing in itself), I know He will also provide me with the strength, understanding, and other qualities I need to endure this pregnancy and motherhood. Hearing my baby's heart made me both excited and scared. I know now my baby is real, but I also know that I am not in control, and thankfully so! God is so I don't have to be. Amen! Those fast echoing beats remind me that the Lord who designed me and knit me together in my mother's womb and ordained all of my days has planned and prepared me for this time in my life. He is working on changing and growing my heart all while He does the same for this little baby of mine. Praise and glory be to Him!
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Nauseous Nights and Dreadful Days
Saturday morning, 6:46 am. Pressure...roll over. Ugh. MORE pressure. Okay, okay, I'll get up on my one day to sleep in to empty my overly full bladder. Of course I know what this means. Once I'm up the nausea will take over and I will enjoy my daily morning routine of hacking bile into the toilet from my empty stomach. Maybe I'll pee really fast and jump back in bed and fall right asleep before my body knows I'm awake.
I return to my pillow, hoping for at least another half hour of sleep, but.....OH NO...GAG....ok I'm up! Go, go, go, go!! Yep, some lovely bile is the perfect start to another day filled with nausea, bloating, dry heaving, and puke. Sorry for the explicit details, but this is all new in my life and no one painted a clear picture for me, so consider this a gift if you have not yet ventured into the world of child bearing. I'm nine weeks today and I feel like shit.
I started this blog with the hopes of writing about marriage, teaching, my love for nature and such, but just after I decided on a title, designed my page, and filled in my profile, the stick showed two purple lines, positive for pregnancy. I in no way want my blog to become a mom blog, or all about pregnancies and babies. But motherhood will be a new title added to my identity and so there will be some posts that involve this topic. When I learned of this news, I was pleasantly suprised that getting pregnant didn't take as long as I had expected it to. For years, I have been told that "some people have a really difficult time, so you better not wait too long to start trying, especially with your 'condition'." I have PCOS- polycystic ovarian syndrome and hypothyroidism (subjects of a whole separate post), and I am not getting any younger. But thankfully, I didn't start trying until my husband and I were ready, because well, here we are.
Over the last several years, I have witnessed many "naive" couples dreaming of a little boy or girl and imagining how wonderful and fluffy their lives will be with a new baby in the picture. Many of them had no idea what they were getting themselves into until it was too late. I always prided myself in thinking that I was so aware of what children required of their parents. I nannied two little ones for four years, watched my sister mother four children--at one point all under the age of 5!--and I have taught 20 or so students each year for the past five years. I know what this requires. Children are work. Children are difficult. Children ruin your lives. I was unlike everyone else, because I knew that parenting wouldn't be easy, it wouldn't make my marriage any better, and it could possibly leave me fat, old, and tired looking. No thank you.
Until...I started wondering about the other part. "You're life will never be the same" they would say, "but kids are sooooo worth it." And "I couldn't imagine life any other way but with my little Sally." Or "Children are the greatest gift from the Lord." I used to think these people were trying to convinve themselves that all the hard stuff really was worth it, because maybe in fact, it wasn't. I sure heard plenty about the sleepless nights, and temper tantrums, and explosive poop, and sore nipples. But then I considered the fact that most people choose to have kids. And most people have more than one. So there had to be some truth to these positive adages, right?
So here I am. I knew it would be hard. I knew there would be sacrifices. I just didn't know that they started right then and there from the get go. Many women don't tell people about their secret news until they are 12 weeks. This means they are past all the crappy parts and you never hear exactly how awful it is. And I knew women had morning sickness and that the nausea lasted all day long and that they were exhausted, but I didn't know it felt like this.
It hasn't sunk in yet that there is a real baby in there, that it is living and has a beating heart. I have not yet had my physical, haven't heard it's heart, haven't seen it move via ultrasound, and I won't know what I am having for another two and a half months. Right now, I feel like I have a disease, like my body is being taken over by some parasite. My clothes don't fit, I can't go to the bathroom, and I my skin resembles a character from a horror movie. (Okay that last one was a bit of an exaggeration, but it's not a pretty sight.) None of my friends looked this bad at this stage of pregnancy, or ever for that matter. My body is holding onto fat and I don't even enjoy eating! I'd rather be fed intravenously. Most days there is nothing that sounds good to eat, but I must eat or vomit, so I eat starchy carbs and food that is completely unnatural and processed (very opposite of my normal diet). I bloat immediately after I eat, and then the nausea comes back as indegestion. I look puffy and tired and fat. I'm not ready to tell, but my secret is spilling the beans on it's own, with our without my permission.
What the heck is that thing called a "pregnancy glow?" I am convinced it must be something nice people came up with to say instead of telling you you look like hell. Which by the way, one of my fellow co-workers said to me last night. He told me I must be having a baby and congratulations. I asked him why he knew about it, since I haven't told anyone at work except my third grade teammates, to which he replied, "Well, you just look like...you can just tell."
I clarified, "You mean, because I look like shit?"
"Well, yeah."
Thanks Mr. Asshole.
I know that this is all temporary and that it will "all be worth it." Yada yada yada. I am not normally a complainer, but this is the hardest thing I have ever done and I was completely unaware what pregnancy entailed during the first trimester. This is not to discredit how incredibly lucky and thankful I am to be pregnant and to be able to carry my own child. I know that this is an amazing priviledge and I told myself before I got here to appreciate the nauseau and feeling ugly, because so many women would gladly take it on if they could just get pregnant. But I also never understood why pregnant women complained a lot or why they couldn't just be thankful for the blessing of bearing a child. NOW I KNOW WHY. So here I start, eating my own words, taking back my judgement on others, humbling myself to where every single parent has been. NO ONE really knows what they are getting into when they choose to have a baby. NO ONE is truly ready for this. I didn't know until now. I am trying to enjoy it all but right now, I feel like hell.
I return to my pillow, hoping for at least another half hour of sleep, but.....OH NO...GAG....ok I'm up! Go, go, go, go!! Yep, some lovely bile is the perfect start to another day filled with nausea, bloating, dry heaving, and puke. Sorry for the explicit details, but this is all new in my life and no one painted a clear picture for me, so consider this a gift if you have not yet ventured into the world of child bearing. I'm nine weeks today and I feel like shit.
I started this blog with the hopes of writing about marriage, teaching, my love for nature and such, but just after I decided on a title, designed my page, and filled in my profile, the stick showed two purple lines, positive for pregnancy. I in no way want my blog to become a mom blog, or all about pregnancies and babies. But motherhood will be a new title added to my identity and so there will be some posts that involve this topic. When I learned of this news, I was pleasantly suprised that getting pregnant didn't take as long as I had expected it to. For years, I have been told that "some people have a really difficult time, so you better not wait too long to start trying, especially with your 'condition'." I have PCOS- polycystic ovarian syndrome and hypothyroidism (subjects of a whole separate post), and I am not getting any younger. But thankfully, I didn't start trying until my husband and I were ready, because well, here we are.
Over the last several years, I have witnessed many "naive" couples dreaming of a little boy or girl and imagining how wonderful and fluffy their lives will be with a new baby in the picture. Many of them had no idea what they were getting themselves into until it was too late. I always prided myself in thinking that I was so aware of what children required of their parents. I nannied two little ones for four years, watched my sister mother four children--at one point all under the age of 5!--and I have taught 20 or so students each year for the past five years. I know what this requires. Children are work. Children are difficult. Children ruin your lives. I was unlike everyone else, because I knew that parenting wouldn't be easy, it wouldn't make my marriage any better, and it could possibly leave me fat, old, and tired looking. No thank you.
Until...I started wondering about the other part. "You're life will never be the same" they would say, "but kids are sooooo worth it." And "I couldn't imagine life any other way but with my little Sally." Or "Children are the greatest gift from the Lord." I used to think these people were trying to convinve themselves that all the hard stuff really was worth it, because maybe in fact, it wasn't. I sure heard plenty about the sleepless nights, and temper tantrums, and explosive poop, and sore nipples. But then I considered the fact that most people choose to have kids. And most people have more than one. So there had to be some truth to these positive adages, right?
So here I am. I knew it would be hard. I knew there would be sacrifices. I just didn't know that they started right then and there from the get go. Many women don't tell people about their secret news until they are 12 weeks. This means they are past all the crappy parts and you never hear exactly how awful it is. And I knew women had morning sickness and that the nausea lasted all day long and that they were exhausted, but I didn't know it felt like this.
It hasn't sunk in yet that there is a real baby in there, that it is living and has a beating heart. I have not yet had my physical, haven't heard it's heart, haven't seen it move via ultrasound, and I won't know what I am having for another two and a half months. Right now, I feel like I have a disease, like my body is being taken over by some parasite. My clothes don't fit, I can't go to the bathroom, and I my skin resembles a character from a horror movie. (Okay that last one was a bit of an exaggeration, but it's not a pretty sight.) None of my friends looked this bad at this stage of pregnancy, or ever for that matter. My body is holding onto fat and I don't even enjoy eating! I'd rather be fed intravenously. Most days there is nothing that sounds good to eat, but I must eat or vomit, so I eat starchy carbs and food that is completely unnatural and processed (very opposite of my normal diet). I bloat immediately after I eat, and then the nausea comes back as indegestion. I look puffy and tired and fat. I'm not ready to tell, but my secret is spilling the beans on it's own, with our without my permission.
What the heck is that thing called a "pregnancy glow?" I am convinced it must be something nice people came up with to say instead of telling you you look like hell. Which by the way, one of my fellow co-workers said to me last night. He told me I must be having a baby and congratulations. I asked him why he knew about it, since I haven't told anyone at work except my third grade teammates, to which he replied, "Well, you just look like...you can just tell."
I clarified, "You mean, because I look like shit?"
"Well, yeah."
Thanks Mr. Asshole.
I know that this is all temporary and that it will "all be worth it." Yada yada yada. I am not normally a complainer, but this is the hardest thing I have ever done and I was completely unaware what pregnancy entailed during the first trimester. This is not to discredit how incredibly lucky and thankful I am to be pregnant and to be able to carry my own child. I know that this is an amazing priviledge and I told myself before I got here to appreciate the nauseau and feeling ugly, because so many women would gladly take it on if they could just get pregnant. But I also never understood why pregnant women complained a lot or why they couldn't just be thankful for the blessing of bearing a child. NOW I KNOW WHY. So here I start, eating my own words, taking back my judgement on others, humbling myself to where every single parent has been. NO ONE really knows what they are getting into when they choose to have a baby. NO ONE is truly ready for this. I didn't know until now. I am trying to enjoy it all but right now, I feel like hell.
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