Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Twin Pregnancy: A Summary in Words
There are so many awful and funny things about pregnancy that I haven't shared. I am carrying twins and would love to write something beautiful about my experience, however this format of writing fits more with how I am feeling these days. I can't even form complete sentences...I'm in survival mode. Here is my summary in words for my first and second trimester.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
A Lot Can Happen in a Year: 2011 in Hindsight
If someone had predicted a year ago, that I would be where I am now, I wouldn't have believed them. If last year, God Himself would have told me where I would be right now, I might not have believed Him.
This time last year, I wrote in my journal:
10-8-11
"Sigh. Big Sigh. I don't know where to start. I don't want to complain-so-I am not sure what to write down. I feel like I've asked too much, whined too much, felt negative things too much. How do you stay positive when everything seems to be falling apart around you?? We humans think we can only handle so much. Can I really do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me?"
Let me explain. Last October, my job was filled with stress. The elementary school I teach at had just made it through a year on the closure list, and then after the relief of staying open, received our scores and were told we would be on "turnaround" status. The district was going to come in and put all kinds of pressure on the teachers who were "not doing enough" to help our low income, high poverty, and badly behaved students to score higher and show more growth on the state standardized tests. My husband had been laid off the previous April and decided to go into Real Estate. He had sold one house in July. I didn't make enough to cover our bills. And for the kicker, our marriage was falling apart. In fact, in the same entry I also wrote: "Lord, I am really not enjoying being married to this person. I think I'd rather be alone at this point, seriously." I went on complaining about my husband and how he wasn't doing enough and how I was working my butt off and how unfair my life was. Greg and I had been fighting constantly. I had left the house in anger and was sitting in my car.
And then I wrote: "I don't want to go home and I don't want to appologize right now. Show me that You are here. Because I don't want to be -HERE- anymore. I need to know that You are near and that You have plans for me, Lord. I love You and I'm so grateful for Your blessings and Your promises. I really wish I could take a weekend trip and hang out with You in Heaven until Monday."
I was devastated, exhausted, and stuck. I wanted out.
A few days later I wrote down a question, specifically for the Lord. I had no idea how weighted this question was:
10-10-11
"Lord, I am having a difficult time trusting you. What does that really look like? What will happen in the next year?"
Wow. Boy, did the Lord have quite the year in store for me! I would learn all about trust and it would all happen exactly within a year. In that same entry, I mentioned how there were plenty of people in the Old Testament that were asked to trust God with everything. I thought of Job, Sarah, Esther, Abraham, David, to name just a few. There were so many people in the bible who had to rely on the Lord in huge ways. Surely I could trust Him with my marriage and with our finances, right? I had no idea how God would salvage this awful relationship and all the history and all of our hurt. I thought we would never be able to have kids because we just had too many issues, and now we didn't have enough of an income either. I was supposed to trust the Lord with all this? I would try my best...
A week later, Greg and I had the biggest fight we'd ever had in our entire relationship. I left the house and stayed with my best friend for an entire week. And I didn't really miss Greg at all. A first ever. But still I would trust. I started praying diligently for my husband, for my marriage, and for myself as a wife. Once I came home, we started praying together. And most of all, I started working on fixing ME instead of trying to fix Greg.
We made slow progress, but we made progress. We worked with a pastor and his wife from our church on marriage counseling and also became involved in a small group of Christian friends. We set boundaries with our families and with work. And we kept at it.
Over the next few months, we gradually found healing, forgiveness, and happiness. And then we started discussing the possibility of having children. Greg was unwilling to give me answers in this area at first. I wanted a timeline, a plan of some sort. He wouldn't budge. So I kept praying and trying to be patient.
By March, we were truly enjoying each other and our marriage and we were dealing with differences rather than fighting, yelling, or avoiding each other. We became more intimate and more connected. And we started talking about babies. Greg started talking about babies!
At the end of April, we decided that we would start trying to conceive that summer. We didn't really have a solid plan or solid finances, but we didn't want to wait anymore. We were in such a good place in our marriage. Plus, I had some health concerns that could play a role in getting pregnant, so we figured it might take time. I prayed that God would allow us to conceive if He wanted us to, and that if we weren't truly ready--in our marriage, spiritually, and financially--then He would delay it until we were. I couldn't believe how in love I was with Greg and how different he was. He had been softened for sure. He was more understanding, more caring, and easier to talk to. I kept asking the Lord to show me ways I could be a better wife and continue working on myself.
For my birthday (July 7th), I asked the Lord for a baby, of course if He wanted to give one to us. By the end of July, we found out we were pregnant and thus began a whirlwind of emotions and suprises. The Lord had clearly answered my prayers!
It is now October, exactly one year from those horrendous fights and long stressful months. Greg is making some money as a Realtor and I am loving my same job at the same school. I am 16 weeks pregnant and we recently found out we are having TWINS! We have been looking at strollers and cribs and talking about things that parents talk about. We are happy and in love and also stressed out. It is still so easy to fall into the trap of fear and doubt and worry. These are the things I do well, unfortunately. To be honest, after I found out I was pregnant, I wasn't sure I wanted to be. Then, when I became really excited about having a baby, I found out there were actually two. Again, I wondered and worried about our ability to come up with the resources, to succeed as parents, to continue our happy marriage with two babies.
Looking back in my journal and on my last year though, I see things so very clear. The Lord answered my question. He showed me exactly what I wanted to know. And He gave me what I wanted. On October 10th last year I asked "What will happen in the next year?"out of such uncertainty, such distrust. I know otherwise now. On October 11th this year, I was sitting in an ultrasound room looking at two little babies on the screen that were growing inside of me. God is so good and so faithful! I am in awe of Him and I don't know yet why my husband and I have been entrusted with two babies, but wow, do we feel blessed! Yes, it is scary and unknown, but He has given me EVERY reason to trust Him with this. Here are the lessons I am currently discovering:
1) Be careful what you ask for. God just might give it to you...and then some!
I asked for a better marriage and a child and I got a great marriage and two children! Prayer is so very powerful.
2) When you think you have learned your lesson, there is always more to learn.
I thought I had learned to trust the Lord. I knew getting pregnant was reason enough to be thankful and trust God. But TWINS! And then I started doubting. Try again, Stef...
3) The Lord knows what you need before you need it. He already has a plan, so trust in it. Find your identity and your strength in Him alone!
I asked Jesus to do something big in my marriage and specifically in my husband's heart. Greg lost his job and his grandma in the same month. Our world was rocked and we fell apart. Had we looked to the Lord in the beginning, we might have had a lot less grief. Then I asked for a child and we will have two this spring! I am not sure how we are going to support two babies, but I am certain that God will provide. He is the only one in control, so we might as well stop trying to control our own circumstances.
4) You are never to late for Jesus. We really can do all things through Him!
He will meet you right where you are at and take over, if you let Him.
Some more food for thought:
God will strengthen you with His own great power so that you will not give up when troubles come, but you will be patient. Colossians 1:11
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot. Ecclesiastes 3:1-2
The human mind plans the way, but the Lord directs the steps. The lot is cast in the lap, but the decision is the Lord's alone. Proverbs 16:9, 33
The Lord's love never ends; his mercies never stop. They are new every morning. Lord, your loyalty is great. I say to myself, "The Lord is mine, so I hope in Him." The Lord is good to those who hope in Him, to those who seek Him. Lamentations 3:22-25
AMEN!!!
This time last year, I wrote in my journal:
10-8-11
"Sigh. Big Sigh. I don't know where to start. I don't want to complain-so-I am not sure what to write down. I feel like I've asked too much, whined too much, felt negative things too much. How do you stay positive when everything seems to be falling apart around you?? We humans think we can only handle so much. Can I really do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me?"
Let me explain. Last October, my job was filled with stress. The elementary school I teach at had just made it through a year on the closure list, and then after the relief of staying open, received our scores and were told we would be on "turnaround" status. The district was going to come in and put all kinds of pressure on the teachers who were "not doing enough" to help our low income, high poverty, and badly behaved students to score higher and show more growth on the state standardized tests. My husband had been laid off the previous April and decided to go into Real Estate. He had sold one house in July. I didn't make enough to cover our bills. And for the kicker, our marriage was falling apart. In fact, in the same entry I also wrote: "Lord, I am really not enjoying being married to this person. I think I'd rather be alone at this point, seriously." I went on complaining about my husband and how he wasn't doing enough and how I was working my butt off and how unfair my life was. Greg and I had been fighting constantly. I had left the house in anger and was sitting in my car.
And then I wrote: "I don't want to go home and I don't want to appologize right now. Show me that You are here. Because I don't want to be -HERE- anymore. I need to know that You are near and that You have plans for me, Lord. I love You and I'm so grateful for Your blessings and Your promises. I really wish I could take a weekend trip and hang out with You in Heaven until Monday."
I was devastated, exhausted, and stuck. I wanted out.
A few days later I wrote down a question, specifically for the Lord. I had no idea how weighted this question was:
10-10-11
"Lord, I am having a difficult time trusting you. What does that really look like? What will happen in the next year?"
Wow. Boy, did the Lord have quite the year in store for me! I would learn all about trust and it would all happen exactly within a year. In that same entry, I mentioned how there were plenty of people in the Old Testament that were asked to trust God with everything. I thought of Job, Sarah, Esther, Abraham, David, to name just a few. There were so many people in the bible who had to rely on the Lord in huge ways. Surely I could trust Him with my marriage and with our finances, right? I had no idea how God would salvage this awful relationship and all the history and all of our hurt. I thought we would never be able to have kids because we just had too many issues, and now we didn't have enough of an income either. I was supposed to trust the Lord with all this? I would try my best...
A week later, Greg and I had the biggest fight we'd ever had in our entire relationship. I left the house and stayed with my best friend for an entire week. And I didn't really miss Greg at all. A first ever. But still I would trust. I started praying diligently for my husband, for my marriage, and for myself as a wife. Once I came home, we started praying together. And most of all, I started working on fixing ME instead of trying to fix Greg.
We made slow progress, but we made progress. We worked with a pastor and his wife from our church on marriage counseling and also became involved in a small group of Christian friends. We set boundaries with our families and with work. And we kept at it.
Over the next few months, we gradually found healing, forgiveness, and happiness. And then we started discussing the possibility of having children. Greg was unwilling to give me answers in this area at first. I wanted a timeline, a plan of some sort. He wouldn't budge. So I kept praying and trying to be patient.
By March, we were truly enjoying each other and our marriage and we were dealing with differences rather than fighting, yelling, or avoiding each other. We became more intimate and more connected. And we started talking about babies. Greg started talking about babies!
At the end of April, we decided that we would start trying to conceive that summer. We didn't really have a solid plan or solid finances, but we didn't want to wait anymore. We were in such a good place in our marriage. Plus, I had some health concerns that could play a role in getting pregnant, so we figured it might take time. I prayed that God would allow us to conceive if He wanted us to, and that if we weren't truly ready--in our marriage, spiritually, and financially--then He would delay it until we were. I couldn't believe how in love I was with Greg and how different he was. He had been softened for sure. He was more understanding, more caring, and easier to talk to. I kept asking the Lord to show me ways I could be a better wife and continue working on myself.
For my birthday (July 7th), I asked the Lord for a baby, of course if He wanted to give one to us. By the end of July, we found out we were pregnant and thus began a whirlwind of emotions and suprises. The Lord had clearly answered my prayers!
It is now October, exactly one year from those horrendous fights and long stressful months. Greg is making some money as a Realtor and I am loving my same job at the same school. I am 16 weeks pregnant and we recently found out we are having TWINS! We have been looking at strollers and cribs and talking about things that parents talk about. We are happy and in love and also stressed out. It is still so easy to fall into the trap of fear and doubt and worry. These are the things I do well, unfortunately. To be honest, after I found out I was pregnant, I wasn't sure I wanted to be. Then, when I became really excited about having a baby, I found out there were actually two. Again, I wondered and worried about our ability to come up with the resources, to succeed as parents, to continue our happy marriage with two babies.
Looking back in my journal and on my last year though, I see things so very clear. The Lord answered my question. He showed me exactly what I wanted to know. And He gave me what I wanted. On October 10th last year I asked "What will happen in the next year?"out of such uncertainty, such distrust. I know otherwise now. On October 11th this year, I was sitting in an ultrasound room looking at two little babies on the screen that were growing inside of me. God is so good and so faithful! I am in awe of Him and I don't know yet why my husband and I have been entrusted with two babies, but wow, do we feel blessed! Yes, it is scary and unknown, but He has given me EVERY reason to trust Him with this. Here are the lessons I am currently discovering:
1) Be careful what you ask for. God just might give it to you...and then some!
I asked for a better marriage and a child and I got a great marriage and two children! Prayer is so very powerful.
2) When you think you have learned your lesson, there is always more to learn.
I thought I had learned to trust the Lord. I knew getting pregnant was reason enough to be thankful and trust God. But TWINS! And then I started doubting. Try again, Stef...
3) The Lord knows what you need before you need it. He already has a plan, so trust in it. Find your identity and your strength in Him alone!
I asked Jesus to do something big in my marriage and specifically in my husband's heart. Greg lost his job and his grandma in the same month. Our world was rocked and we fell apart. Had we looked to the Lord in the beginning, we might have had a lot less grief. Then I asked for a child and we will have two this spring! I am not sure how we are going to support two babies, but I am certain that God will provide. He is the only one in control, so we might as well stop trying to control our own circumstances.
4) You are never to late for Jesus. We really can do all things through Him!
He will meet you right where you are at and take over, if you let Him.
Some more food for thought:
God will strengthen you with His own great power so that you will not give up when troubles come, but you will be patient. Colossians 1:11
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot. Ecclesiastes 3:1-2
The human mind plans the way, but the Lord directs the steps. The lot is cast in the lap, but the decision is the Lord's alone. Proverbs 16:9, 33
The Lord's love never ends; his mercies never stop. They are new every morning. Lord, your loyalty is great. I say to myself, "The Lord is mine, so I hope in Him." The Lord is good to those who hope in Him, to those who seek Him. Lamentations 3:22-25
AMEN!!!
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Total Eclipse of the Heart
Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round.
Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears.
Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by.
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes.
Bonnie Tyler wasn't talking about being pregnant or being nauseous or worrying about adjusting to motherhood, but these first lyrics of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" do a good job of describing how I've been feeling. Though pregnancy is exciting and miraculous all in itself, (just to know that you and your husband could conceive another human being), it is completely scary and weird and unreal in many ways. It is hard to feel this awful and have nothing really to show for it, nothing to prove that it is worth all the misery. However, this week marked the first week that I felt like I am actually carrying a real, live child and not just some parasite taking over my body, making me sick.
On Monday, my husband and I heard our little one's heartbeat for the very first time.
It was my ten week appointment and there was much to do and discuss. The midwife talked with us for what seemed like hours about our family and medical history, questions about pregnancy, the baby, and vitamins and diet and such...And then finally the grand finale moment: she got out the fetal doppler and began to prepare to find our baby's beating heart so we could hear it. I have read and have been told that often during these early weeks it is difficult to find the heartbeat because the baby is still so small and could be in a position that is hard to hear. But sure enough, the second the doppler was placed on my lower belly we heard the quick thumping of this little heart, this little person living inside of me. I looked over at Greg and his eyes had just lit up with sheer suprise! It was the first time, I have seen him truly excited about all of this. We listened for a while, in awe that a baby really was in there and seemed to be doing quite well. The midwife had us get out one of our phones to record this precious sound. I am so thankful I have it taped. I sent it to all my family members and I play it back on days when I don't feel like going to work, when I am lying on the couch in agony, or after throwing up breakfast, again.
I'm still feeling pretty crummy, but knowing that my baby is actually thriving in there, makes it a little easier. Being sick all the time is not only physically draining and frustrating, but it has weighed on me mentally and has been hard on my husband too. I am learning some important lessons as I gratefully finish up my first trimester of pregnancy:
1) First, I have learned that I am nothing without my Creator.
My flesh is so very weak and my spirit is not much stronger. Being pregnant can be a little lonely. Though many have come before and will come along after you, you are truly alone in this experience. No one can go through it with you. Your friends and family can support you, care for you, and be helpful, but they cannot experience it exactly like you are. And for some, it is very difficult. I have questioned over the last weeks if I could handle much of anything hard like running a marathon, having a chronic illness, or getting through a round of chemo. NO-pregnancy is not as hard as cancer, but I seriously have a new found respect for people with illnesses or those who have to have constant surgeries, procedures, or must have others care for them. I have experienced so many weak moments such as sloppy crying all over myself simply because I didn't feel like making dinner and I was starving or I didn't want to throw up again or because my house was a mess but I felt too sick to clean it. I would be completely alone in all of this if it weren't for my Lord, my Jesus. I have come to realize how desperately I need Him and how little I am without Him.
2) I have realized lately that my husband is way more patient than I thought and I need to give him way more credit.
Greg isn't known for being overly sympathetic or having a lot of patience. He doesn't baby me or constantly ask what I need or how I am feeling. BUT-he hasn't lost his temper or been resentful or yelled at me for completely dropping all of my wifely duties. I haven't cleaned, cooked, or taken care of the dogs much since August and it is mid September! Yes, this is temporary, and he definitely can take on my responsibilities for the short time being while I am feeling lousy and pregnant, but I am very proud of Greg. He is learning too! He hasn't complained about me leaving dirty dishes in the sink, or throwing my laundry around our bedroom, or whining AGAIN about how I am tired of throwing up. He will let some of the chores pile up, maybe in hopes that I will eventually be bothered and suck it up and get them done, but then he slowly puts the dishes that I left in the sink away, cleans up the mess I made in the kitchen, and then takes care of feeding and walking the dogs, since I am obviously not going to do it. And then when I ask, he will bring me a chai tea to work, or go get me lunch and drop it off at school, or run to the grocery store for some other random thing I need. I have been frustrated because there is a lot that hasn't gotten done at home and I didn't think Greg has really tried to put himself in my shoes. But then I haven't thought a thing about his shoes, because poor me is sick and tired and ugly and sad. What a big job he has putting up with me and working and taking care of our two dogs and our house! Greg has done a whole lot and he deserves more credit for his effort and his patience with me. I'll work on that.
3) And lastly, being a mother requires all kinds of sacrifices.
I knew this already, but now I am actually experiencing it. No longer do I come first. My baby gets first dibs on everything. If I don't eat enough or eat the right thing, then I feel horrible and I get sick. It is more work to take care of my body right now, because it is no longer just mine. There is a miniture human who needs me and relies soley on me right now. This is both a priviledge and a pain. It requires planning ahead, it requires extra work. It requires sacrificing time, sleep, and comfort. Right now, it means that I may have to go grocery shopping even if I'm tired or even if I have to stop in the bathroom to puke a few times between the milk and eggs and the produce section. It means that for now I have to let go of my once clear skin, my fit body, and a good chunk of my wardrobe. It means that I have to come second, in many, if not all areas of my life. WOW. Let that one sink in for a bit.
Thankfully I am not alone. Just as the Lord has graciously provided my body what it needed to conceive and house a baby (amazing in itself), I know He will also provide me with the strength, understanding, and other qualities I need to endure this pregnancy and motherhood. Hearing my baby's heart made me both excited and scared. I know now my baby is real, but I also know that I am not in control, and thankfully so! God is so I don't have to be. Amen! Those fast echoing beats remind me that the Lord who designed me and knit me together in my mother's womb and ordained all of my days has planned and prepared me for this time in my life. He is working on changing and growing my heart all while He does the same for this little baby of mine. Praise and glory be to Him!
Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears.
Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by.
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes.
Bonnie Tyler wasn't talking about being pregnant or being nauseous or worrying about adjusting to motherhood, but these first lyrics of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" do a good job of describing how I've been feeling. Though pregnancy is exciting and miraculous all in itself, (just to know that you and your husband could conceive another human being), it is completely scary and weird and unreal in many ways. It is hard to feel this awful and have nothing really to show for it, nothing to prove that it is worth all the misery. However, this week marked the first week that I felt like I am actually carrying a real, live child and not just some parasite taking over my body, making me sick.
On Monday, my husband and I heard our little one's heartbeat for the very first time.
It was my ten week appointment and there was much to do and discuss. The midwife talked with us for what seemed like hours about our family and medical history, questions about pregnancy, the baby, and vitamins and diet and such...And then finally the grand finale moment: she got out the fetal doppler and began to prepare to find our baby's beating heart so we could hear it. I have read and have been told that often during these early weeks it is difficult to find the heartbeat because the baby is still so small and could be in a position that is hard to hear. But sure enough, the second the doppler was placed on my lower belly we heard the quick thumping of this little heart, this little person living inside of me. I looked over at Greg and his eyes had just lit up with sheer suprise! It was the first time, I have seen him truly excited about all of this. We listened for a while, in awe that a baby really was in there and seemed to be doing quite well. The midwife had us get out one of our phones to record this precious sound. I am so thankful I have it taped. I sent it to all my family members and I play it back on days when I don't feel like going to work, when I am lying on the couch in agony, or after throwing up breakfast, again.
I'm still feeling pretty crummy, but knowing that my baby is actually thriving in there, makes it a little easier. Being sick all the time is not only physically draining and frustrating, but it has weighed on me mentally and has been hard on my husband too. I am learning some important lessons as I gratefully finish up my first trimester of pregnancy:
1) First, I have learned that I am nothing without my Creator.
My flesh is so very weak and my spirit is not much stronger. Being pregnant can be a little lonely. Though many have come before and will come along after you, you are truly alone in this experience. No one can go through it with you. Your friends and family can support you, care for you, and be helpful, but they cannot experience it exactly like you are. And for some, it is very difficult. I have questioned over the last weeks if I could handle much of anything hard like running a marathon, having a chronic illness, or getting through a round of chemo. NO-pregnancy is not as hard as cancer, but I seriously have a new found respect for people with illnesses or those who have to have constant surgeries, procedures, or must have others care for them. I have experienced so many weak moments such as sloppy crying all over myself simply because I didn't feel like making dinner and I was starving or I didn't want to throw up again or because my house was a mess but I felt too sick to clean it. I would be completely alone in all of this if it weren't for my Lord, my Jesus. I have come to realize how desperately I need Him and how little I am without Him.
2) I have realized lately that my husband is way more patient than I thought and I need to give him way more credit.
Greg isn't known for being overly sympathetic or having a lot of patience. He doesn't baby me or constantly ask what I need or how I am feeling. BUT-he hasn't lost his temper or been resentful or yelled at me for completely dropping all of my wifely duties. I haven't cleaned, cooked, or taken care of the dogs much since August and it is mid September! Yes, this is temporary, and he definitely can take on my responsibilities for the short time being while I am feeling lousy and pregnant, but I am very proud of Greg. He is learning too! He hasn't complained about me leaving dirty dishes in the sink, or throwing my laundry around our bedroom, or whining AGAIN about how I am tired of throwing up. He will let some of the chores pile up, maybe in hopes that I will eventually be bothered and suck it up and get them done, but then he slowly puts the dishes that I left in the sink away, cleans up the mess I made in the kitchen, and then takes care of feeding and walking the dogs, since I am obviously not going to do it. And then when I ask, he will bring me a chai tea to work, or go get me lunch and drop it off at school, or run to the grocery store for some other random thing I need. I have been frustrated because there is a lot that hasn't gotten done at home and I didn't think Greg has really tried to put himself in my shoes. But then I haven't thought a thing about his shoes, because poor me is sick and tired and ugly and sad. What a big job he has putting up with me and working and taking care of our two dogs and our house! Greg has done a whole lot and he deserves more credit for his effort and his patience with me. I'll work on that.
3) And lastly, being a mother requires all kinds of sacrifices.
I knew this already, but now I am actually experiencing it. No longer do I come first. My baby gets first dibs on everything. If I don't eat enough or eat the right thing, then I feel horrible and I get sick. It is more work to take care of my body right now, because it is no longer just mine. There is a miniture human who needs me and relies soley on me right now. This is both a priviledge and a pain. It requires planning ahead, it requires extra work. It requires sacrificing time, sleep, and comfort. Right now, it means that I may have to go grocery shopping even if I'm tired or even if I have to stop in the bathroom to puke a few times between the milk and eggs and the produce section. It means that for now I have to let go of my once clear skin, my fit body, and a good chunk of my wardrobe. It means that I have to come second, in many, if not all areas of my life. WOW. Let that one sink in for a bit.
Thankfully I am not alone. Just as the Lord has graciously provided my body what it needed to conceive and house a baby (amazing in itself), I know He will also provide me with the strength, understanding, and other qualities I need to endure this pregnancy and motherhood. Hearing my baby's heart made me both excited and scared. I know now my baby is real, but I also know that I am not in control, and thankfully so! God is so I don't have to be. Amen! Those fast echoing beats remind me that the Lord who designed me and knit me together in my mother's womb and ordained all of my days has planned and prepared me for this time in my life. He is working on changing and growing my heart all while He does the same for this little baby of mine. Praise and glory be to Him!
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Nauseous Nights and Dreadful Days
Saturday morning, 6:46 am. Pressure...roll over. Ugh. MORE pressure. Okay, okay, I'll get up on my one day to sleep in to empty my overly full bladder. Of course I know what this means. Once I'm up the nausea will take over and I will enjoy my daily morning routine of hacking bile into the toilet from my empty stomach. Maybe I'll pee really fast and jump back in bed and fall right asleep before my body knows I'm awake.
I return to my pillow, hoping for at least another half hour of sleep, but.....OH NO...GAG....ok I'm up! Go, go, go, go!! Yep, some lovely bile is the perfect start to another day filled with nausea, bloating, dry heaving, and puke. Sorry for the explicit details, but this is all new in my life and no one painted a clear picture for me, so consider this a gift if you have not yet ventured into the world of child bearing. I'm nine weeks today and I feel like shit.
I started this blog with the hopes of writing about marriage, teaching, my love for nature and such, but just after I decided on a title, designed my page, and filled in my profile, the stick showed two purple lines, positive for pregnancy. I in no way want my blog to become a mom blog, or all about pregnancies and babies. But motherhood will be a new title added to my identity and so there will be some posts that involve this topic. When I learned of this news, I was pleasantly suprised that getting pregnant didn't take as long as I had expected it to. For years, I have been told that "some people have a really difficult time, so you better not wait too long to start trying, especially with your 'condition'." I have PCOS- polycystic ovarian syndrome and hypothyroidism (subjects of a whole separate post), and I am not getting any younger. But thankfully, I didn't start trying until my husband and I were ready, because well, here we are.
Over the last several years, I have witnessed many "naive" couples dreaming of a little boy or girl and imagining how wonderful and fluffy their lives will be with a new baby in the picture. Many of them had no idea what they were getting themselves into until it was too late. I always prided myself in thinking that I was so aware of what children required of their parents. I nannied two little ones for four years, watched my sister mother four children--at one point all under the age of 5!--and I have taught 20 or so students each year for the past five years. I know what this requires. Children are work. Children are difficult. Children ruin your lives. I was unlike everyone else, because I knew that parenting wouldn't be easy, it wouldn't make my marriage any better, and it could possibly leave me fat, old, and tired looking. No thank you.
Until...I started wondering about the other part. "You're life will never be the same" they would say, "but kids are sooooo worth it." And "I couldn't imagine life any other way but with my little Sally." Or "Children are the greatest gift from the Lord." I used to think these people were trying to convinve themselves that all the hard stuff really was worth it, because maybe in fact, it wasn't. I sure heard plenty about the sleepless nights, and temper tantrums, and explosive poop, and sore nipples. But then I considered the fact that most people choose to have kids. And most people have more than one. So there had to be some truth to these positive adages, right?
So here I am. I knew it would be hard. I knew there would be sacrifices. I just didn't know that they started right then and there from the get go. Many women don't tell people about their secret news until they are 12 weeks. This means they are past all the crappy parts and you never hear exactly how awful it is. And I knew women had morning sickness and that the nausea lasted all day long and that they were exhausted, but I didn't know it felt like this.
It hasn't sunk in yet that there is a real baby in there, that it is living and has a beating heart. I have not yet had my physical, haven't heard it's heart, haven't seen it move via ultrasound, and I won't know what I am having for another two and a half months. Right now, I feel like I have a disease, like my body is being taken over by some parasite. My clothes don't fit, I can't go to the bathroom, and I my skin resembles a character from a horror movie. (Okay that last one was a bit of an exaggeration, but it's not a pretty sight.) None of my friends looked this bad at this stage of pregnancy, or ever for that matter. My body is holding onto fat and I don't even enjoy eating! I'd rather be fed intravenously. Most days there is nothing that sounds good to eat, but I must eat or vomit, so I eat starchy carbs and food that is completely unnatural and processed (very opposite of my normal diet). I bloat immediately after I eat, and then the nausea comes back as indegestion. I look puffy and tired and fat. I'm not ready to tell, but my secret is spilling the beans on it's own, with our without my permission.
What the heck is that thing called a "pregnancy glow?" I am convinced it must be something nice people came up with to say instead of telling you you look like hell. Which by the way, one of my fellow co-workers said to me last night. He told me I must be having a baby and congratulations. I asked him why he knew about it, since I haven't told anyone at work except my third grade teammates, to which he replied, "Well, you just look like...you can just tell."
I clarified, "You mean, because I look like shit?"
"Well, yeah."
Thanks Mr. Asshole.
I know that this is all temporary and that it will "all be worth it." Yada yada yada. I am not normally a complainer, but this is the hardest thing I have ever done and I was completely unaware what pregnancy entailed during the first trimester. This is not to discredit how incredibly lucky and thankful I am to be pregnant and to be able to carry my own child. I know that this is an amazing priviledge and I told myself before I got here to appreciate the nauseau and feeling ugly, because so many women would gladly take it on if they could just get pregnant. But I also never understood why pregnant women complained a lot or why they couldn't just be thankful for the blessing of bearing a child. NOW I KNOW WHY. So here I start, eating my own words, taking back my judgement on others, humbling myself to where every single parent has been. NO ONE really knows what they are getting into when they choose to have a baby. NO ONE is truly ready for this. I didn't know until now. I am trying to enjoy it all but right now, I feel like hell.
I return to my pillow, hoping for at least another half hour of sleep, but.....OH NO...GAG....ok I'm up! Go, go, go, go!! Yep, some lovely bile is the perfect start to another day filled with nausea, bloating, dry heaving, and puke. Sorry for the explicit details, but this is all new in my life and no one painted a clear picture for me, so consider this a gift if you have not yet ventured into the world of child bearing. I'm nine weeks today and I feel like shit.
I started this blog with the hopes of writing about marriage, teaching, my love for nature and such, but just after I decided on a title, designed my page, and filled in my profile, the stick showed two purple lines, positive for pregnancy. I in no way want my blog to become a mom blog, or all about pregnancies and babies. But motherhood will be a new title added to my identity and so there will be some posts that involve this topic. When I learned of this news, I was pleasantly suprised that getting pregnant didn't take as long as I had expected it to. For years, I have been told that "some people have a really difficult time, so you better not wait too long to start trying, especially with your 'condition'." I have PCOS- polycystic ovarian syndrome and hypothyroidism (subjects of a whole separate post), and I am not getting any younger. But thankfully, I didn't start trying until my husband and I were ready, because well, here we are.
Over the last several years, I have witnessed many "naive" couples dreaming of a little boy or girl and imagining how wonderful and fluffy their lives will be with a new baby in the picture. Many of them had no idea what they were getting themselves into until it was too late. I always prided myself in thinking that I was so aware of what children required of their parents. I nannied two little ones for four years, watched my sister mother four children--at one point all under the age of 5!--and I have taught 20 or so students each year for the past five years. I know what this requires. Children are work. Children are difficult. Children ruin your lives. I was unlike everyone else, because I knew that parenting wouldn't be easy, it wouldn't make my marriage any better, and it could possibly leave me fat, old, and tired looking. No thank you.
Until...I started wondering about the other part. "You're life will never be the same" they would say, "but kids are sooooo worth it." And "I couldn't imagine life any other way but with my little Sally." Or "Children are the greatest gift from the Lord." I used to think these people were trying to convinve themselves that all the hard stuff really was worth it, because maybe in fact, it wasn't. I sure heard plenty about the sleepless nights, and temper tantrums, and explosive poop, and sore nipples. But then I considered the fact that most people choose to have kids. And most people have more than one. So there had to be some truth to these positive adages, right?
So here I am. I knew it would be hard. I knew there would be sacrifices. I just didn't know that they started right then and there from the get go. Many women don't tell people about their secret news until they are 12 weeks. This means they are past all the crappy parts and you never hear exactly how awful it is. And I knew women had morning sickness and that the nausea lasted all day long and that they were exhausted, but I didn't know it felt like this.
It hasn't sunk in yet that there is a real baby in there, that it is living and has a beating heart. I have not yet had my physical, haven't heard it's heart, haven't seen it move via ultrasound, and I won't know what I am having for another two and a half months. Right now, I feel like I have a disease, like my body is being taken over by some parasite. My clothes don't fit, I can't go to the bathroom, and I my skin resembles a character from a horror movie. (Okay that last one was a bit of an exaggeration, but it's not a pretty sight.) None of my friends looked this bad at this stage of pregnancy, or ever for that matter. My body is holding onto fat and I don't even enjoy eating! I'd rather be fed intravenously. Most days there is nothing that sounds good to eat, but I must eat or vomit, so I eat starchy carbs and food that is completely unnatural and processed (very opposite of my normal diet). I bloat immediately after I eat, and then the nausea comes back as indegestion. I look puffy and tired and fat. I'm not ready to tell, but my secret is spilling the beans on it's own, with our without my permission.
What the heck is that thing called a "pregnancy glow?" I am convinced it must be something nice people came up with to say instead of telling you you look like hell. Which by the way, one of my fellow co-workers said to me last night. He told me I must be having a baby and congratulations. I asked him why he knew about it, since I haven't told anyone at work except my third grade teammates, to which he replied, "Well, you just look like...you can just tell."
I clarified, "You mean, because I look like shit?"
"Well, yeah."
Thanks Mr. Asshole.
I know that this is all temporary and that it will "all be worth it." Yada yada yada. I am not normally a complainer, but this is the hardest thing I have ever done and I was completely unaware what pregnancy entailed during the first trimester. This is not to discredit how incredibly lucky and thankful I am to be pregnant and to be able to carry my own child. I know that this is an amazing priviledge and I told myself before I got here to appreciate the nauseau and feeling ugly, because so many women would gladly take it on if they could just get pregnant. But I also never understood why pregnant women complained a lot or why they couldn't just be thankful for the blessing of bearing a child. NOW I KNOW WHY. So here I start, eating my own words, taking back my judgement on others, humbling myself to where every single parent has been. NO ONE really knows what they are getting into when they choose to have a baby. NO ONE is truly ready for this. I didn't know until now. I am trying to enjoy it all but right now, I feel like hell.
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